What You Don't Know About Conflict Communication Can Kill Your Marriage

Marital happiness is something that most people expect to achieve in their lives. Love, respect, honesty, and faithfulness are some attributes that many people believe will lead to a happy marriage.

But what does that really mean? Many couples that come in for counseling say they have love, respect, honesty, commitment, and faithfulness (as well as other positive characteristics), but that one or both are just not happy. What makes for a happy marriage?

A missing ingredient may be "meaningful interaction". While couples may be spending time with each other routinely, most couples neglect to nurture their relationship regularly. The demand for attention seems to be highest when one or both partners feel less important, less loved, and less secure in the relationship. It takes on a different level of importance when partners do not feel loved or valued. The need for active engagement and nurturance of the relationship is apparent when a partner complains that they "do not communicate" and do not spend enough "quality" time together

They often already know the problem and presumably how to fix it, but cannot seem to get started with enacting their solution. When attempts are made to change how you interact and those attempts go unrecognized or rewarded, it becomes more difficult to bridge the emotional chasm tthat has developed. Each has different communication goals and expectations. They have different ways that they want to be shown love. Each have different desires and expectations about communication. And there is great diversity in what "quality time together" means.

Unfortunately, while it seems logical that giving the partner what you want would resolve the problem, it does not. Of course, each partner is wanting something other than what is being given and is remaining frustrated. Frustration is inevitable with disappointment over not receiving the desired behavior and with failure of the partner to recognize the other's attempts.

Sometimes partners repeatedly tell the other what they want or need to feel loved, appreciated, and important, and the partner will make some brief attempts to comply. When one partner has been trying to communicate his/her needs in an appropriate way and is "rewarded" for the effort with a return to the partner's old behavior, s/he feels more frustrated and angry. To the partner doing the requesting, this means that s/he doesn't care.

The more conflicted that couples become over relationship needs, the more difficult it becomes to solve problems, to neutralize or recover from negative events, and to generate positive feelings and positive assumptions about relationship events. Once the situation has reached this point, couples are most likely to use the exact communication behaviors that guarantee that no change will occur. Destructive communication patterns of escalating arguments or "demand/withdraw" interactions can become the norm.

Sometimes in order to break out of the negative cycle of conflict and pain, couples must return to the basics, with a step back out of the militarized zone, into basic communication and working on simply being "nice" to each other. Practicing the same common courtesy with your partner that you would with a total stranger can go a long way to re-establish emotional neutrality, and pave the way for a return to personal "risk taking" in communicating and problem solving.

Using "I" messages vs. "You" messages, can change the whole interaction. This change can reduce defensiveness and restore ability to listen. Active listening and questions for clarification can help repair problem communication and restore some emotional neutrality.

With a change in the emotional climate, the time is ripe for developing a regular time for couple communication and spending quality time together. Communication exercises such as a Couple's Feelings Meeting or The Honey Jar, a couple's conversation starter, can assist couples with getting into a habit of talking and sharing with each other. When couples are talking and sharing, they are more likely to feel connected, loved, and important to each other. When they feel these positive feelings, they are better able to handle and resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise. Skills necessary for a happy marriage involve the ability to communicate and effectively problem solve, as well as the ability to restore positive feelings in the midst of conflict.


Copyright (c) 2009 Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.