Supporting Your Children Through Your Divorce

When things go wrong in a marriage it is often wondered if the couple involved should stay together for the children. The fact of the matter is that it's not the separation that does the most damage, it's the living in a war zone that affects the kids. Nobody wants to live in a world that swings from stony silence to screaming fits and back again. Even if it's not that extreme children can sense when things aren't as they should be and may even wonder if it's something they've done.

Once the divorce process has been started it's important to let the children know what's happening before any changes take place. They need to be told, in a manner they can understand, what is happening and how it will affect them. Try and keep their normal routines so that as little changes in their lives as possible.

It's also important that both parents let them know they are not to blame and reinforce this message without actually blaming anyone. They do not need to know who did what, just that it isn't their fault.

One of the worst thing that can happen to a child during the divorce process is to find themselves torn between the two parents wondering if they should be siding with one or the other. Never confide in your child no matter how old they are. Find an understanding friend to share your troubles with. Your child needs to be able to freely love both parents.

Keeping the school informed of the changes in the children's live can help. It will help the teacher to understand any changes in mood from the child and, generally, schools will have the welfare of the child at heart and will inform parents if they think there are any problems. Around 1 in 3 children will go through separation so there isn't the stigma that used to be attached to divorce as there used to be.

When the other parent is not prepared to be fair about arrangements for whatever reason, it is important that the other doesn't start having a moan to the children. If one doesn't turn up for visits or doesn't allow visits to happen just explain that you don't agree with what they are doing but you will just need to make the best of it. Don't play tit for tat - it is the children that get caught in the middle and nobody will ever win this game.

If you end up as the parent that leaves the family home and sets up again in another residence it helps the children to know that you still want them in your life by making a part of that residence just for them. Their own room would be great but a small cupboard just for their personal belongings will do just as well.

It can be awkward when, once the divorce is over, one of the parents finds a new partner - assuming that a new partner wasn't the reason for the divorce. The initial introduction is probably best done as a friend rather than lover. Children will have a chance of developing a relationship without the fear of upsetting the other parent before they are told that the new friend is rather more than that.

Another issue that can sometimes arise for children of divorced parents is that there may only be one parent at important events such as school plays or getting ready for the graduation ball. It is very reassuring for them to have both parents at important times of their life. They want you both to be proud of them. The main carer should, therefore, try to make sure the other parent is aware of these events and knows how to get tickets if they need them. After all, your marriage may not have lasted 'til death you do part, but you are still partners in the care and upbringing of your children.