Rockport Say Farewell To A Classic

As the title of this no doubt witty and entertaining article might suggest, Rockport Shoes are saying goodbye, toodle pip and fare thee well to one of their most iconic and classic designs. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, intelligent family pets and performing circus animals - I ask you to raise your glass, your bottle or your trough in memory of the Rockport Umbwe.

There once was a time, way back when I were a lad; carefree, stupid and perhaps a trifle arrogant, when the ownership of a pair of Umbwe's was guaranteed to elevate even the lowliest of maggoty, scraggly geeks to an almost ethereal status. There were, of course exceptions to the rule.

Back in high school, I remember a lad called Melvin. Melvin was a pleasant enough chap; always said his P's and Q's, never ratted you out regarding your behind-the-bike-shed adolescent experimentation that kind of thing. But there was just no getting around the fact that poor Melvin was about as cool and interesting as a wet stick. Granted there are probably people out there who find wet sticks very interesting indeed. We shall call them Stick Investigators and shall never speak of them again.

I'm afraid that there was simply nothing that our Mel could ever do, say or inhale to make the rest of us think he was cool. And the poor boy tried, oh my goodness he tried. He adopted a thick Mancunian accent that made him sound like a Welsh farmer who'd recently suffered a stroke. That didn't work. He began walking with a sort of odd limp, shaved off all his hair and started smoking Rhododendrons behind the nike sheds. This didn't work either.

Finally, in our last year, Melvin turned up one morning sporting a brand new pair of Rockport Boots. Unfortunately, and completely unbeknownst to Melvin, he'd actually bought a pair of Rockport Walking Boots, the name of which eludes me at present, and as he pranced around thinking he'd finally made it through the door of our exclusive club, I couldn't help but feel a pang of sorrow for him.

Not really knowing what to say, I took him to one side and pointed out the fact that each and every one of our group was wearing precisely the same pair of Rockport Boots. I explained that it was ok to plump for a different colour scheme - in many ways this could show you off as a potential new trend-setter - but that (in the nicest possible way mind) he was never going to look good turning up for school looking like he was about to do the three peaks challenge.

Alas, young Melvin never managed to make it into our club. By the time he managed to save up the pennies for a pair of Umbwe's we were already on study leave, and only appeared back at school briefly for an unwelcome exam, before disappearing back home to pretend to revise. And the news I received this week is saddening. Rockport have announced today that they are no longer making the Umbwe. I've considered buying a pair, simply for sentimental value, and maybe mounting them on the wall to remind me of my misspent youth.

So if I happen upon a pair of Umbwe's in my size, on sale and in a suitable colour I may well do just that. But if not at least I have the fond memories of bygone days, when a young lad would do almost anything to be cool. Especially when all the cool kids wore Rockport Shoes.