Revenge Isn't That Sweet

Getting divorced is difficult for both parties. No one takes wedding vows thinking that some day they will be divorcing. Both the husband and wife start the marriage hoping that they will be able to build a happy, satisfying life together.

In some ways, getting divorced is harder then being widowed. When a member of a couple dies, there is a grieving period. However, once the loss is accepted, the surviving spouse can usually move on and build a new life.

Divorce can be a lot harder. If the parties don't agree that their marriage should be ended, the one who wants the union to continue has a lot of baggage to carry. After all, the other spouse is still alive and "rubbing it in" that the marriage is over. The fact of his / her existence is a reminder of a life identity that can no longer be.

The remaining spouse is left to ponder what went wrong, and must deal with the unenviable task of redefining his / her relationship with the world. No longer is he / she "we". Instead, he / she is forced to face friends and family alone, feeling like damaged goods.

This is not to suggest that open season should be declared on the spouse who wants to end the marriage. Some relationships are bad, even if both parties are good people. However, for most of us, a little understanding and compassion will go a long way to make this painful transition from couple to single much easier.

Whether you are the one who is leaving, or the one who is left behind, try to forgive. This may sound like a tall order. However, anger and hostility are of very limited benefit. Revenge may seem satisfying at first, but it eats away at the soul of the one dishing it out.

I'm not just saying this to keep the peace. Think of how you feel when you're losing sleep because someone else did you wrong. You can harass them on the phone, damage their property or do a lot of things to make their life miserable. But, what have you accomplished in the end? You have proven that their worst opinions of you are justified. Worse yet, you are still tossing and turning in the middle of the night thinking of them, rather then getting the rest you need to face the next day.

Instead of giving your ex so much control over you, try to pick up the pieces and make your own life better. You are not bad just because he / she rejected you. Most people do things for their own reasons, and their actions have little to do with the qualities of the person they are hurting.

Join a singles group, either through your church or on-line. If you aren't ready to look for your next love, join a club or league where you will meet new people. It may take time to readjust, but the less energy you spend regretting what has ended, the more you'll have to find something new and better.


Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen