Relationship Advice For Women And Men - How To Have An Argument

Planning an argument can be a very rewarding and enlightening experience in a tense relationship, as it helps to clear the air and gets thing back on an even footing again. If you are planning an exercise, whether it is an exercise in communication, negotiation or arguing, it is safest to allow only a limited time for it, such as ten minutes at first, and to make sure that you have a way of separating from each other at the end.

The best way to ensure this is to set a timer at the beginning and to stop the exercise and move into separate rooms at the end. You should ideally not raise the topic again until the next planned exercise in arguing.

How to structure the time

The argument should be good-natured and humorous if possible, and the topic should be small enough for it not to matter if you can't agree at the end. In fact, it is probably better for you not to reach an agreement, but to shelve the issue or 'agree to differ' as you finish the session. It could then be possible to have the same argument on a future occasion, with the same opinions being expressed by you both and the same lack of a conclusion at the end.

The important thing about these exercises is the process of arguing and expressing your opinions openly and forcefully; the conclusion you reach in unimportant. It can be liberating, especially for couples who are rather inhibited emotionally and who tend to opt for the easy way out in disputes, that is, to give in before the argument has really developed.

Who would be helped by arguments?

This approach is not really necessary for all couples. It is best used by those couples who have had difficulty in expressing emotions or who 'never have an angry word'. If you are a couple who regularly argue anyway, there is not a great deal of point in deliberately having another argument, but it may help you to learn the ability to walk away from arguments without necessarily resolving them there and then. Most couples have areas which they cannot agree on, and there is no shame in that. The problem is that sometimes the fact that you never discuss your unresolved differences can sour an otherwise good relationship.

Exercise: Trivial Arguments

Sit down together with no distractions (TV, music, telephone or radio) and set the timer for ten minutes

Choose a trivial topic that you have differing views on (toothpaste tubes or dirty clothes are good examples)

Argue the case in a light-hearted manner

Don't let it get too serious

Keep to the topic, don't get into other controversial areas

Don't start name-calling or insulting each other

When the timer goes, stop and go to separate rooms It's OK to talk about it afterwards, but stick mainly to discussing how it felt to be arguing, and don't resurrect the argument until the next planned session