Phat Folks In The News

I thought I'd bring you up to date on a couple of phat guys. Both of them are film directors and both of them have made millions of buckaluckas. They also like to act like they're regular guys, but that is really stretching the oversize clothing they both favor.

The first phatso is Kevin Smith, who directed "Mallrats," "Jay and Silent Bob," "Jersey Girl," "Dogma" and some other crap, too. His hero always wears a ball cap backwards and he favors hockey jerseys that are too big.

Back about four moons or so, Smith was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for being "too fat." He blubbered all over television and to anyone who would listen that this was an outrage (ie., the fact that he needed two seats to park his phat S). He garnered some measure of sympathy from all the pholks who list phattism as one of their causes celebre. (Even I got a shade misty eyed, for a moment there.)

But then, like most Hollywood A...listers, he kept on talking. The first thing he wanted everybody to know was that he had lost 65 pounds. When he said that, my bullshizz detector started beeping like an irritable neighbor's car alarm at 3 AM. 65 pounds? Just how phat was he?

I'm looking at the television (allowing for the 10 pounds the camera puts on you...) and the guy still has to weigh tree fitty, (350), give or take a six foot hoagie and a 64 ounce Slurpee. The hockey jersey he's wearing has got to be a 5X and the ball cap he's wearing could double as a baby's crib, if you turned it over.

As he keeps yapping, we find out why he's so phat. He admits he's a complete and total stoner. And as we all know (everyone except for him), dieting and smoking weed are not simpatico. Gluttony and smoking the hippie lettuce are simpatico, but not for losing weight.

So my solution for this phat phocker and his flight problem is simple. Next time he wants to fly from NY to LA, just crate him up and ship him as freight.

The second buffet molester is the leftist dirigible, Michael Moore, who looks like he ate the phat pharm he was supposedly attending. As I recall, he most recently made another of his phony documentaries about ...healthcare. I think that was the one where he proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that we'd all be better off following the Cuban model of healthcare.

Phat Mike's motto is: All I want is less to do, more time to do it, longer lunch breaks and higher pay for not getting any work done.

Mumu Moore is now suing the Weinstein brothers, in Hollywood, alleging they stole back end money from one of his documentaries. They paid him $25 million, on the back end of that deal, making him the richest documentarian of all time. That's the back end, after paying all the bills, including Mumu's inflated salary, all his phantom staffers and the fleet of food trucks at his beck and call, 24/7. How much did Mumu invest in his own project? Zero.

Mumu might have bitten off more than he can chew this time, which is saying something. The Weinstein brothers might have a permanent weight loss program he can go on, which involves going into the Mojave desert...and never coming back. It wouldn't surprise me if Mumu is found, one day, with a very large Sagauro cactus where the moon doesn't shine.

I don't have a solution for Mumu, but it's okay. When you're involved in a tussle with the Weinstein brothers, there is no need for meddling.

All this just goes to prove that having a fistful of dollars doesn't mean you're going to live to enjoy it. If these two make it to 60, I'm going to be very surprised. But you know, those Havana clinics are way ahead of the eight ball and I hear they even have Advil now.
You want inspiration? Google up some photos of these phat boys and put them on your fridge.