My Husband Chose Me Over The Other Woman - Does He Really Still Love Me?

Question:

I'm happy to have my husband back after his affair, but I've still got some questions for him. He told me that he loved me and still wants to be with me and that he wants to work at saving our marriage. But something inside me tells me that he's not being totally honest. There are times when I think it's because the other woman wanted him to commit more seriously to her and that he felt that ending our marriage would be too messy.

Am I over reacting here or are my suspicions justified?"

Answer:

Most women are relieved when their husbands come back home to them. But it also doesn't mean that everything's ok again. Often times there are lingering questions that need to be answered. Most women will ask themselves a similar question such as " did he really come back for me because he loves me or did something not work out with the other woman?"

Many women often fear that their men have returned to them simply because things didn't work out with the other woman. Or that they've only come back because they feel financially responsible and obligated towards their children.

It's completely normal to have questions about your husband's motives when he returns. And you are going to wonder if he's being truly sincere towards you about his emotions. Again, this is normal, but if it goes on for too long then it can actually end up hurting you and hindering your progress as a couple instead of it helping you. I'll discuss this more below.

It's Ok To Ask Yourself "Why Did He Come Back?"

I think it would be a major problem if a woman didn't have any questions regarding her husband's intentions after he returned home.

When you've been humiliated and betrayed by someone who is supposed to love you, it's normal for your 'bs meter' to be on high alert. And the truth is, it's a form of self preservation.

And since you're not a mind reader, you'll never know what he's really thinking or feeling. So now that you know this, what do you do next? Well you've got two ways to evaluate what he says.

The best way to do this is to listen to what he says and watch what he does afterwards. Because he'll most likely say anything and everything. But only his actions will 'tell' you what he really means. Don't be surprised if it takes a while to ensure that his actions match his words. He's got to have time to re-develop good, predictable habits again.

Focus On The Outcome Not The Perceived Motivation

I understand your reasons for not wanting to take what your husband says as gospel. And I also understand you wanting to believe that your husband is home for the right reasons and that he wants to be with you and save your marriage and that you might doubt him from time to time on this. I know that for the first little while, you're going to be focusing heavily on this. But if you're not careful, it can and will eat you up inside and destroy any progress you've made.

Here's the real issue. Since you'll never really know how he feels, you'll never get a definitive answer that meets your needs or what you think you need. And you risk placing so much time an focus on reading his mind and interpreting his emotions that you'll never get past it until it gets resolved, which could be a long time. And as I alluded to, this can be a very vicious and destructive cycle.

If you focus too much on why he came back, you miss the fact that he chose you over her and came back to you. As time goes on you'll start to uncover the truth about why he came back. But if you focus only on the why, then you may not be focused enough on the how. And by that I mean that youre not focusing on how you are going to make your relationship stronger as a couple and move forward.

There's going to come a time in your relationship when you're going to have to place your faith in love and focus on the opportunity that you have to build a better marriage. As the original question alluded to, the wife was having difficulty believing that her husband truly wanted to be there with her. But I have a question for her. " Are you willing to place all your focus on his perceived intention and risk ruining your progress?" This is a time to ask yourself "what do I really want from him?"

Now I bet I know what you want and that's a husband who truly loves you and is there because he wants to be there. But don't you already have this? Look around. Your husband is under your roof, sleeping in your bed and telling you that he loves you and that he's there because he wants to be.

Time will tell if he's being honest with you and himself. So as I mentioned earlier you've got two choices. You can either fill the relationship with doubt and uncertainty and potentially ruin any progress you may have already made. Or you can give it time and see how your husbands words eventually match his actions.