Step Wars, by Grace Gabe, MD and Jean Lipman-Blumen, PhD, begins with the scenario of the excited and happy older couple, unprepared for the reaction to their second marriage, and feeling blindsided by the unexpected, negative responses of their adult children who suddenly weigh in about their parent's love life and marriage plans. It's a generational role reversal.
However, it's rarely harmless and often creates a crisis in the marriage, either between the parent and adult kids and/or the new spouse and his or her kids. Whatever the relationship dynamics, it is overwhelming for the newlyweds to experience unexpected anger and resentment.
Step Wars is divided into manageable chapters covering every prominent topic and issue in adult step families. The wedding itself; the role the new spouse should assume whether the joiner, the guardian angel, the unifier, the indifferent, or the distancer; opportunities and dangers; issues around combining households; adult children's ties to the family home; step sibling relationships; grandchildren; division of property; and holidays, celebrations and commemorations.
The most important part of the book explains 8 crucial skills that are needed to help parents and adult children handle the Five Furies. These are valuable strategies, labeled Tact and Tacking Skills, that will help resolve conflict. Tact because it is a diplomatic skill incorporating thoughtfulness and caution, and Tacking, which is a nautical term to signify reaching a destination in a zig-zag fashion, rather than in a straight line:
Reframe the issue.
Let time pass.
Become an observer.
Use tenacity to maintain and defend your core values.
Trade and negation, or give and take.
Forgiveness, empathy, apology, and tolerance.
Practice transformation through wisdom.
Practice turning away from the problems and letting go.
Adult step families can be satisfying and heartwarming when parents, adult children and grandchildren work together as a healthy and happy family unit.
About the Author
Sheena Berg lovingly writes articles for the StepHeroes
stepparenting advicenewsletter. She will be interviewing Doctors Grace Gabe and Jean Lipman-Blumen September 30,9 pm EST. Submit your question to them by visiting: http://www.BlendedFamilyExperts.com. Subscribers to the StepHeroes Newsletter will be invited to attend the interview for free. To subscribe, visit http://www.About-Blended-Families.com
