Marriage Counselor Shares Why You May Have Marriage Problems

I remember one of the fights I had when I was dating the woman who would be my wife (now ex). It was vicious! You ever have one of those fights which is just a knock down, drag out fight? Man, we had a lot of those. We didn't even care who was around, it was so bad. This particular one was at a concert. Looking back, I don't even remember what it was we were actually fighting about (this right here should say a lot). But whatever it was, we were both pissed! We were yelling at each other, saying mean & stupid stuff, acting passive aggressively in a lot of ways, being petty, insulting each other...just acting really immature.

The fact of the matter is we were both really hurt...but at no time did either of us stop and say, "You know what, I'm just really hurt. I feel really let down (disappointed, devalued, unimportant, neglected, offended, etc) because I was hoping (or I thought)...and now I think maybe you don't care about me (you don't really care how I feel, you don't care about what I need, etc)".

I don't remember what the heck we fought about or why we were both so furious & hurt, but I do remember what I was thinking (believe it or not). You ever see Batman? Particularly the ones where "Two Face" is involved? I'll give you a brief explination in case you haven't. Two Face is a character who was born out of a major disaster where there was an explosion and half his face became extremely disfigured. Before the accident, he was District Attorney, Harvey Dent. Proponent & hero of the people. Classic good guy. Afterwards, he became a villian and arch enemy of Batman. Two Face had two personalities; one of DA Harvey Dent, hero of justice; the other Two Face, villain and typical bad guy. And each side of his face represented his dual-identities.

Well, I share this with you because you and I have two faces, too. When I was yelling at my then girlfriend I was showing her one of my 'faces'...but I wasn't showing her the real one, the real me. Because what I was thinking then, even though I couldn't tell you what we were arguing about, was basically, "Why are we doing this? Why is she so angry at me? Why am I yelling at her? I don't want to do this? I hate fighting. I just want to hold her. I'm just really scared right now...but I can't tell her that because I don't know what she'll do or how she'll respond. I'm really anxious about what's going on with us...but I can't tell her that. What will she think?? I feel completely insecure and just need to know she loves me."

But I didn't say any of that...I didn't show her my real 'face'. And my guess is, you might see yourself in my story. Maybe you're realizing were not too different, you & I; perhaps I am a lot like you.

Would you believe me if I told you my current partner & I NEVER fight?

It's true. We've never had ONE argument. We've never even come close to one. We don't fight, and I don't believe we ever will. Want to know our secret? :) We practice the art of congruency. What this means to you is when you are congruent with your self & your partner you are honestly, fully & truthfully expressing all of you - your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experiences, hopes, dreams, fears, etc. What you project into the world, what you show others about you, is an accurate representation of your internal experience. If you feel anxious about something in your marriage you say so. If you feel disappointed, you say so. If you wonder if your spouse is upset with you you ask them. If you're fearful about something you speak up. If there's something you'd like or need from your partner you ask them. No more mind-reading, no more guessing games, no more hoping or wishing or demanding your spouse just "knows" what you're thinking, feelings, needing or wanting. No more falseness; no more Two Face.

I can't count how many arguments my partner & I have probably avoided simply because we've chosen to be congruent with each other. I'm not saying it isn't a challenge. I'm not saying there isn't risk involved because you can never know how your spouse will respond. I'm not saying you don't have to push past your own anxiety. I am saying it's certainly worth the cost! It's certainly worth the risk. If nothing else, at least you're now being true to yourself. As JFK said,

There are risks and costs to a program of action. But they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction

When your marriage is built on a foundation of fear, anxiety, hiding out, deception, lies & falseness, there is no hope. When you're not congruent with yourself, & you're not honest with your partner about who you really are, you're out of relationship. There's no relationship. Where there's deception, there's no relationship. What this means to you is at any point you're not being real with your partner about who you really are - what you really think, feel, believe or are experiencing - it's at that point your partner no longer knows you because they no longer know the real you. They think they know you, but they don't because the knowledge they have about you - the information you've given them about you - is false & misleading.

If you wonder why there's problems in your marriage, why there's fighting, why it's not working out the way you hoped it would, why you're unhappy & dissatisfied, it's because for whatever reason, you're out of relationship with your partner.

And if you want to experience an abundance of passion, of love, of joy, peace, happiness, fulfillment, you will begin practicing being congruent. There's no other way around it. This is why being congruent is a core skill in having a successful relationship. You can't have one without the other.

There's one more crucial aspect to being congruent; without it you'll shipwreck the whole thing. So make sure you get your hands on the 3 part of this series!

P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Leave a comment or email me at brian@RealMarriageSolutions.com Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on!

P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Email me. Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on