Marriage Counseling Specialist Reveals How To Reduce Arguments.

I have no doubt out of everything I've shared with you so far the topic of confrontation will most likely bring about the most discomfort & anxiety for you. Confrontation seems to have become a 4-letter word, even though it's got 12 letters. Perhaps your experience with confrontation is one where you always seem to end up somehow being "wrong", on the "losing end", & it's just a bad and painful experience overall. Maybe your attitude with confrontation is one of, "No problem. I tell people exactly what I think all the time. I have no problem telling people the way things are, and exactly what I think. I let others know when they've screwed up".

Unfortunately, my guess is if this is your attitude with confrontation those on the receiving end feel blown away by you and might describe you as controlling, dominant, insensitive, overbearing, intolerant, & always having to be right. Which ever end of the spectrum you find yourself on the confrontation continuum, confrontation ends up being a "lose, lose" in reality because either experience of confrontation leads to a break and distance in intimacy. When confrontation is one-sided, this is what I call "negative" or "unproductive" confrontation.

Sure, you might feel better because you 'let it all out' and told your husband exactly what you think; however, if the cost of this type of confrontation leads to him feeling small, unimportant, stupid, unaccepted, condemned, devalued or demeaned, insecure or unsafe, then it was unproductive confrontation. Confrontation is also unproductive if when someone confronts you and you simply just sit there and 'check out' - the lights are on but nobody's home; your eyes glaze over, you're thinking about something else & not paying attention to what your spouse is saying. You passively apologize, perhaps, but you're far from sincere.

Confrontation is only effective when it produces a "win/win" situation. This involves developing a mutually-agreed upon and mutually beneficial solution.

I don't know about you but for me confrontation was the most frightening and paralyzing thing imaginable for the majority of my life. It wasn't until the past two or so years where I've actually become comfortable with conflict. I avoided confrontation at all costs; I would let things go, I would apologize, I would avoid people or situations. The possibility someone could be mad at me and there could be confrontation produced a ton of anxiety within me - I couldn't stand the thought.

In my experience conflict and confrontation = hurt, loss, rejection. I watched my parents tear each other to shreds and experienced the agony of a home at war. In my romantic relationships I saw finger-pointing, blaming, hurt, rejection, & defensiveness. I never saw any actual benefit to confronting anyone. And any "confrontation" I did initiate was more of an explosion, when I couldn't take it anymore & just blew up. Or when someone was blaming me for something and I felt their attack was unjust; then I would fire right back at them.

We might as well have been shooting at each other, or stabbing each other with knives

The pain & loss from the type of confrontation I had always experienced seemed just as painful, but more cruel because a lot of it was with people I loved. And isn't this perhaps your experience with your husband or wife? You entered into marriage full of hope and promise...and now maybe it seems like you're sometimes living in a battlefield. Confrontation leads to manipulation or trying to control. It creates more problems than it solves. You or your spouse end up feeling trampled & beat up; it's easier just not to say anything. It seems like sometimes nothing gets dealt with or there's an argument. I'd guess there's probably topics which just aren't discussed, or if they are, it seems to end up causing an argument.

Conflict, confrontation, don't have to have a negative end result. Unfortunately in our culture confrontation has developed a negative connotation. The general attitude is if you confront someone you're being judgmental and condemning. And, you're probably being a hypocrite; after all, haven't you ever done that? You're not perfect, are you? So how can your challenge or confront someone else? If you really cared, wouldn't you just forgive them and move on? Wouldn't you be the bigger adult if you just let it go? Not to mention that you're wife or husband is an adult, aren't they? Who are you to tell them how to live their life?

These are all some general attitudes I've witnessed and observed around confrontation. It's even worse if you're a Christian: "What about grace? God gives me grace, why won't you?" "Doesn't Jesus tell us to love unconditionally?: "Why can't you just accept me the way I am?" " Who are you to judge me?! - God's my judge." "Can't you just give me the love and grace I need?" "Don't you remember what Jesus did with the woman caught in adultery? Remember when he said, 'He who is without sin can cast the first stone.'?"

The truth is all that crap we've been taught by the church and our culture is a lie.

Stick around for the next part where I share with you the benefits of confrontation! (Hint: I'm also going to share with you the right way to confront someone so there's a mutual experience of relief, healing, and mutually beneficial solutions.

P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Email me. Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on