Marital Conflict: Expect It And Cope With It.

In any marriage, even the most supportive and agreeable, there are disagreements, and the manner that couple resolves conflict determines the welfare, quality and longevity of the marriage. Some couples mistakenly believe their marriage has no chance of success if they experience conflict, which may be due to the age-old belief that conflict is best avoided to ensure family unity. The result of conflict avoidance is often simmering anger and deep-seated resentment about unresolved issues.

Ironically, voicing differences can actually create growth and intimacy in a relationship if the conflict is handled constructively. Conflict is normal and inevitable, and in blended families, issues of transitioning kids, ex-spouses, financial problems and parenting differences can increase the range of disagreements with negative outcomes.

Although one of many experts in the field of relationships and conflict resolution, Dr Scott Haltzman offers unique insight and practical advice in his best-selling book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wifes Heart Forever. Dr Haltzman has distilled current research from thousands of married men into a useful guide that highlights 8 useful strategies that make marriages thrive.

Strategy # 4, "Expect Conflict and Deal with It," helps couples gain a better understanding of conflict by illustrating the way men and women are biologically equipped to cope with it, the moods and motives that cultivate disagreements, the patterns of conflicts and how to diffuse them. Everyone wants to feel listened to, cared for and respected, and understanding this goes a long way to helping couples put the brakes on conflict and smooth things over before they spiral out of control.

This is what Dr Haltzman wants us to know about conflict:

1. Happy and unhappy couples argue about the same amount of time and about the same basic issues: money, sex and housework being the three most popular.

2. 69 % of disputes in a marriage are never resolved, and thats an acceptable level.

3. Both men and women can employ constructive ways to debate issues, and to agree to disagree.

4. Conflict many times arises due to the biological differences in how the sexes view conflict and ways they cope with it.

Dr Haltzman describes the 4 common ways that fights accelerate. See if you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these descriptions:

Feeding the Fire: We all know the situation where a criticism or complaint is voiced, the response being more hostility, and so it goes, until its a free-for-all that includes ancient history from arguments past. An escalating, major altercation cannot simply be shut off like an out-of-control video game, but keeps accelerating. Strategies for putting the brakes on out-of-control "fires" include softening your tone, looking for areas of agreement, staying positive and "holding that emotion," which essentially means stopping yourself from escalating the tension with hurtful comments.

Withdrawal and Avoidance: Men are more likely to withdraw from and not deal with a complaint than women are, and this sends a discounting message to women that makes them very angry. Women dislike avoidance because the act of engagement makes them feel better, even when the issue may not be resolved. Men avoid and withdraw for understandable biological reasons but these behaviors fuel the fire of conflict with the women in their lives.

Negative Interpretation: Assigning unintended negative meaning to what a spouse does or doesnt say can incite major conflict that can ramp up quickly, because each partner is responding to something that was neither stated nor meant. Spelling out one's meaning and active listening will help reduce this.

Finger Pointing: This is the classic criticizing that requires a response, which turns into defensiveness and more blame. The effective technique is to use I statements that refer to personal perception rather than accusing the other person. The most important element of a conflict is how its resolved or "patched up" when a fight is concluded. Both men and women must choose whether being right is more important than having a healthy marriage. Among newly married couples that could not reconcile after a contention, the divorce rate was 90 %, versus an 84% successful marriage rate of those who managed to come to an understanding.

Couples can have fun experimenting with many kinds of strategies to get back on track after a disagreement; this puts the fight behind them so they can move forward and focus on the aim of enjoying a happy marriage.