It's A Buyer's Market In Liberty City

LIBERTY CITY -- Liberty City is one of the United States' largest cities, with approximately 8 million people calling it home. It is the centre of business on the East Coast and is an important port of call. However, this is not stopping the housing market from taking a downturn. Real estate agents agree that, since 1997, Liberty City has become more and more of a buyer's market.

Agents agree that they don't understand why anyone would not want to live in the colorful city, in the midst of excitement and easy money to be made. But, since that's the way that things are tending, Liberty City should not be overlooked for investment real estate potential.

"The harbor is very picturesque and the police are very concerned with their citizens' welfare," said Wally Shank, a realtor who specializes in "quality, affordable residences" in the Broker borough. He took me to see one, with an incredible view of the Broker Bridge. Despite the disconcerting nature of the cars that kept running into the sidewalk and the carjacking that occurred right in front of us, I was prepared to take Mr. Shank's word that this was a "very safe neighborhood, close to quality schools".

The building itself was a heritage brick townhouse, a real fixer-upper for the discerning buyer. The neighborhood was colorful, with many locals providing amusement with their antics. Mr. Shank said that the 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment was perfect for the young family, just starting out.

It was somewhat dark and dingy, but Mr. Shank assured me that a few coats of paint and spackle for the bullet holes would make everything much cheerier. Home stagers in Liberty City earn more than home stagers anywhere else in the country. Mr. Shank said that was because most home stagers who have had success here in the city have multiple firearm permits and many have Kevlar furniture and decorations that really help give homes here that "lived-in" look.

"We also provide our clients with a complimentary Browning 9 mm Hi-Power semi-automatic pistol upon purchase. It's a perfect deal. The condo fee covers heat, hot water, and 1000 bullets per month," Shank said proudly. "Despite being one of the best cities in America to live in, you can't be too careful about your family's safety!"

I decided to ask a few people what they thought of living in Liberty City.

"Oh, it's great," said Roman Bellic, a taxi driver. "I bought my condo, oh, years ago, and I've got a lot of equity now." He reflexively checked the positioning of his Beretta 3032 Tomcat. "Although it probably would have appreciated several thousand more if the last gang war hadn't peppered the building with bullet holes. I was assessed $950, just for my share of restoration, over and above the condo reserve! And if the cops don't stop randomly shooting people who bump into them, I don't know what my equity is going to look like in the next few years."

"My cousin, Roman, came to America and told me how great it was," said Niko Bellic, a contractor, "But it is just materialism and full of corruption. I regret ever coming here."

When asked about the real estate situation, he became angry.

"You don't know what you're talking about. My cousin lives in an apartment that is not big enough to house him, not to mention me. The mortgage is absurd for the size and location. It's in a bad neighborhood. The local schools are crap. How could anyone be expected to sell at a reasonable profit with this city the way it is?" He broke off at the approach of a police car.

Before I knew it, he had pushed me out of the way, smashed my car window, jumped in, and managed to hot wire it into starting before the police car had come 100 yards further towards us.

"HEY! He stole my car!" I yelled, and the police car roared after my rental Lincoln Town Car Touring Edition.

Later, at the precinct, I was told that I might not get my deposit back from the car rental agency.

"I'm sorry, sir," the rental agency secretary said, "but you didn't sign up for the extra coverage that covers carjackings, bullet holes, being shot during a police chase, being run over by a vehicle driven by a gang affiliate, being accidentally shot during a killing spree while in the vehicle or within 5 meters, and any injuries caused by a third-person-shooter."

After putting another rental car on my credit card, I decided to see what the mayor of Liberty City had to say about the city's livability.

Mayor Julio Ochoa said, "Liberty City is a fine place to live. Sure, we have some crime, but what city doesn't? We've been instructing the police forces to shoot to kill, even if it's a kid stealing penny candy and soon, we'll have this crime cleared off the streets. You can't find better real estate than in Liberty City!"

Despite his support of his city, it's still clear that, for whatever reason, Liberty City is still a buyer's market. And, from the looks of things, gentrification won't come a moment too soon.