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How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to get rid of your marriage problems and find the results and solutions you want, Part 9 - Choosing What's Best, Cont.

Thank you for coming back! Well, I made a promise to share a secret with you at the end of our last conversation. And I will. Beforehand I want to ask you something? Have you spent any time thinking about what we last spoke about? What decisions or conclusions have you come to? Are you more open to seeking your partner's best even if they don't reciprocate? Do you really want to love your spouse, or do you simply want to be a consumer in your marriage and be the one who gets to experience love? Have you decided it's time to take off your bib & drape it around your arm as a servant? Well, like I said last...

Can I share a secret with you??

When my wife decided she wanted to separate and be 'young and dumb' (her words, not mine) things got really crazy in my life. I haven't shared my whole story with you, have I? Well, I've shared parts, but I haven't told you this part. So, one night I literally found myself without a place to live. She fully expected me to move out for a few nights/week (which became months) in the moment. So, during December (yes, Christmas) I was fortunate enough to be taken in by some very good and generous friends of mine. They only had a one bedroom apartment, and so I slept on the floor (literally). This went on for a month. Initially, I thought I'd move back in with my wife; that we'd work it out. Well, I began to realize she had no real intention of getting back together.

I want you to keep something else in mind at this time. Not only was I not living with her, I was still helping to pay for rent, utilities and food for HER. I was sleeping on someone's floor because I couldn't afford to pay to live anywhere. All of my money went to her.

Any way, I began to realize she really wasn't going to get back together with me. I realized she was simply playing games and trying to make me pay for what she saw as injustices against her. You see, she saw herself as a powerless victim, without the ability to take any kind of control or effect any sort of change. I was the villain, and it was time for me to pay for my crimes.

She went out and partied; went to clubs, drank and smoke, entertained at our apartment, took vacations (she went to Hawaii and Huntington Beach in this time). She was driving a five year old Honda Accord, and asked me to buy her a brand new car. All the while saying she didn't know if she still wanted to be married, but she loved me and cared about me. Does this look like love and care to you, or simply empty words?

I don't share this story with you to bash her or to say how horribly rotten or mean she was. She was simply hurt and wounded, and I understand that. No, this is my point.

I had every right to retaliate, to act in kind, to blow her off, to talk trash, to live it up myself

but I didn't. Instead, I chose to do something different. I chose to love her. I sought out her best interests; I chose to honor her, to respect her. Did I set boundaries? You bet! (I know you're probably wondering, and no, I didn't buy her a new car). Did I let her berate me and yell at me? No. I advocated for myself and stood up for myself; but I still sought her best.

What does this mean to YOU?

What I really want you to come away with from my story is if I can love someone sacrificially when all they want to do is to tear me down, berate me, tell me what a loser I am and how horrible I am, to spend my money without a second thought; someone who doesn't care where I live or if I'm sleeping on a floor; someone who simply wants and wants and wants insatiably; someone without thought for another...don't you think you can love your spouse sacrificially?

Trust me, you don't have at worse than I did. I'm leaving a LOT out. She made accusations which would make you blush; and told me about things she did which would make you feel embarrassed or at least awkward to listen to. She made up lies to friends. She emptied out our bank account (that was fun ;) ). I highly doubt the relationship with your spouse is this bad. So don't you think if I can love someone sacrificially, you can do the same?

Want to hear something funny?

An amazing thing happened to me in the midst of all of this craziness, as I chose and learned to love someone sacrificially who did not love about me, much less care two cents about me. She got flipped on her head. She could not figure out what the hell I was doing! She thought I was setting her up or was playing games or there was some kind of strings attached. She couldn't figure me out. And she started to feel guilty, real guilty, about her behavior, words, and choices.

Did she change?

Nope. Not one bit, not even a little. "Well this story sucks! What the hell man? What good is this? You still want me to love my spouse sacrificially even after what you shared? This totally back-fired on you! It didn't work at all. You loved her sacrificially like you're telling me I should do, and she still jacked you!" You are thinking something along these lines, aren't you?

Can I share another secret with you? because here's what it really means for you...

She lost all of her power in my life! Did what she say and do hurt and suck? Yes, definitely; I'm not heartless, after all. But the fear, the anxiety, the disappointment dissipated. There weren't any more arguments. Can you believe that? There were NO MORE ARGUMENTS. Think about it: How can you argue with someone who simply refuses to argue with you because they're too focused on loving you? You ever play a game with someone who suddenly didn't want to play anymore? What happened? The game ended. This is the same with arguments and conflict. When only one person is seeking a fight and looking to argue, it takes all of the energy out of it. I was like the Rock of Gibraltar...she came against me with all of the fury of a storm, bashing me with her waves and wind...only to leave no effect.

I'm no one special my friend. I'm not. I'm just like you. What this means to you is all you have to do is make the same simple choice I did and if you do, regardless of your spouse's choice, your life will RADICALLY shift & transform. Regardless of your spouse's choice, YOU will feel more peace, more calmness. You'll have less anxiety, less fear. Your arguments will decrease simply for the fact you refuse to become defensive or to assert yourself. Whoever argued with a servant? They might yell at you but when you choose to seek your partner's best interest, regardless if they do the same OR NOT, you will suck all the negative energy out of the relationship. You'll suck all the energy out of fights, arguments, & conflict.

Want some hope?

Most likely, your experience won't replicate mine. Because what I didn't share with you (until now -this is why it's important for you to pay attention to what I say because I frequently leave out important points to make sure you stick with me or else you're gonna miss out on what will benefit you) is my wife had signs of a mental disorder, most likely Borderline Personality Disorder; and at the least a extremely high level of narcissism. What this means to you is, most likely, your spouse WILL reciprocate, eventually. It may take some time, but they most likely will. Once they see you're not playing some game, when they can trust this isn't some gimmick or ploy, but you really are choosing to be different in your relationship with them, and you really do love them above yourself.

Let me be clear: I'm not saying this is going to be easy. Far from it! Think of it this way, would you rather spend your energy fighting, arguing, engaged in conflict or investing in the future of your marriage where after sowing love, peace, generosity, kindness, gentleness, honor, respect, deference, you will reap a harvest of love, acceptance, respect, trust? Either way you're expending energy. Either way you have to make a choice, whether to engage in arguments, conflict & fighting, OR to love and serve wholeheartedly. What will you choose to do?

P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Email me. Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on