Identfying & Fulfilling Your Needs Will Reduce Marriage Problems

How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to get rid of marriage problems, Part 3: Identifying & Fulfilling Your Needs.

The next essential characteristic necessary to help you resolve your marriage problems involves learning to identify and meet your own needs in HEALTHY, APPROPRIATE, & EFFECTIVE avenues, instead of avoiding.

What this means to you as you try to get rid of the problems in your marriage is this, everyone is unhappy and dissatisfied in their marriage for one primary reason, whether they admit it or not, or if they're even aware of it or not - their needs have been frutstrated or unmet for such a long period of time they are losing hope they will ever be met in their marriage; and, usually one partner has a higher expectation (and demand, explicit or implicit) their spouse be the means to their need fulfillment. Until you can figure out your emotional needs (and we ALL have them) you partnerwill continue to feel like their expected to be your mommy or daddy - and no adult wants that.

Perhaps you are trying to meet your needs. Maybe you've grown emotionally close to a co-worker; perhaps you spend more nights out with the boys or the girls than you used to; maybe you spend more time at the gym than ever; maybe you're drinking more; perhaps you're using a chemical substance; maybe you simply invest all of your time in your kids, church, or other organization. Do you think any of these are HEALTHY, APPROPRIATE OR EFFECTIVE avenues to get your needs met? You might be surprised to hear this but...

THEY ARE NOT!

"What?!", you say; "Of COURSE, some of these are good ways to take care of myself! How can going to the gym more be a bad thing? You mean to tell me investing all of my time in my children is wrong?! How can serving God by bad? - The Bible says I should. Dude, you're off your rocker!"

Hold on now, give me a chance, because what I want to help you see is this. Any "good" or "beneficial" activity can become a negative whenever you're using it to AVOID your spouse or to simply "check out" from your problems. So yes, if you're going to the gym because you feel less attractive around your spouse and you know some of the guys check you out while you're exercising and it gives you a little ego boost - yes, this is a "negative" avenue through which to meet your need for validation and acceptance. Yes, if you're using your kids as a diversion so you don't have to deal with the issues with your spouse, this is a negative way to fill your need to feel valued because (again) you're simply avoiding your partner.

If you're SERIOUS finding solutions to your marriage problems then you'll confront the ways you're avoiding your spouse or 'checking out' from your relationship with them. We all have marriage problems; when you refuse to confront them in a healthy way is when they get out of control.

I'd guess one of the major problems in your marriage is you, your spouse, if not both of you, feel unsatisfied - unfulfilled - and have felt like this for awhile. I wouldn't be surprised to find out you're developing and living separate lives. I bet you really don't know each other anymore.

You probably feel resentment or bitterness towards your spouse, or they towards you. This is NORMAL when you feel deprived and believe you
have the RIGHT to be happy. You don't. I don't want you to miss what I just said so let me be clear: You DO NOT have the RIGHT to be happy.
Happiness isn't a right; it's an EMOTION, and like all emotions, it comes & it goes. And, if you're NOT happy, it certainly is NOT your spouse's fault. It's not their job to make you happy, to fulfill you, to meet your needs. Like I said earlier, they're not your mommy or daddy.

I once had a girlfriend who got upset I couldn't read her mind. She litterally expected me to be able to read her mind; to know what she wanted and what she was thinking. I ended it.

It's no one's job but my own to know what I want and what I'm thinking and feeling. It's also my job to EFFECTIVELY & CLEARLY communicate that
to others - especially if I HOPE they'll help me fulfill my need. It's also my job to parent myself and to figure out how to effectively & appropriately meet my own needs. Think of it this way: If I can't figure out what it is I need, how can I expect anyone else to? It's an unfair & unrealistic expectation. We can only make decisions and take action based on the information available to us; if I don't have the information (she doesn't tell me)my partner needs comfort from me, how can I offer her comfort?

I'm an adult and as such it's MY responsibility to communicate my thoughts, feelings, beleifs, needs, desires, etc. in an effective and appropriate way. Not to pout, whine, complain, act passive-aggressively, demand, scream, take my ball and go home.

You want to less problems in your marriage - less arguments, less fights, less conflict, less stress? - Take responsibility for getting your needs met on your own in healthy, effective, & appropriate ways. As you do soit will release an immense amount of tension from your marriage. You will feel more satisified & happy because you'll be satisified, and you'll be able to satisfy your needs, on you own, whenever you want. And, you'll become more attractive to your partner because they won't see you as dependant. Plus,you'll become more available to them without showing up with demands or expectations. This will further your efforts to not only resolve a lot of the issues, problems, & difficulties in your marriage; it will pave the way to the marriage you both always wanted.

People go to marriage counseling to deal with their marriage problems (or so they say), like a marriage counselor can just wave a magic wand and your
marriage will suddenly be awesome and all your problems will go away. Or they show up and complain about each other, like if they complain to someone else they'll hear their rightand so will their spouse and then their spouse will "get it" and change. Look, if you're unwilling to simply implement what I'm showing you to do, marriage counseling will be just as useless.

Marriage counseling is only effective if you're willing to take responsibility &
implement new skills and ways of thinking and being. This is why I have a very unique policy with the couples I coach. And as far as I know, I'm the only
one coaching marriage couples who has this policy. It's a strict "No complaining!" policy because each person is 100% responsible for the results they're getting (or not getting) in their life and relationship. If you are unwilling to take responsibility and implement what I show you to do, it IS your fault
you're not happy. So called "marriage experts" whether they be a marriage counselor, pastor, therapist or coach who allow couples to argue are simply wasting your time. YOu already know what you don't like about your spouse, and you know what your partner doesn't like about you. So why are you PAYING someone a TON of your hard-earned money to talk about what both of you already know - and why is this "PROFESSIONAL" letting you??

In the next article I'm going to share with you a very CRITICAL aspect around emotional fulfillment, and why it will RUIN your attempts to solve your marriage
problems & get a marriage full of love, passion, peace, happiness, & fulfillment, if you don't take IMMEDIATE action!


P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on!"