How To Parent Without Being Too Nice

How To Parent Without Being Too Nice

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The mother bird knows instinctively when it is time to push her baby bird from the nest so it will learn to fly. If we didn't know better we might think this is not very nice of the mother bird.

If the baby bird could talk, it might be saying, "No. I don't want to leave the nest. Don't be so mean." However, we know the baby bird would not learn to fly if the mother bird did not provide that important push.

Kind is not always nice. It would be very unkind to allow her baby to be handicapped for life by pampering-an unkindness practiced by many parents today.

A foundation of Positive Discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time. Many parents know how to be kind-until they get upset. Then they know how to be firm without being kind. Like I once did, many parents vacillate between the two

-being kind until they can't stand their kids (who develop an entitlement attitude) and then being firm until they can't stand themselves (feeling like tyrants).

Putting kind and firm together is the challenge. My favorite example of kind and firm at the same time is, "I love you, and the answer is NO."

I think we all know the mistakes made in the name of firmness without kindness. In a word, it is punishment. However, many do not know the mistakes made in the name of kindness such as:

Pleasing

Rescuing

Over-protecting

Pampering-providing all "wants"

Micromanaging in the name of love

Overdoing choices

Making sure children never suffer

All of theses parenting methods create weakness, and should be examined to ensure you are doing your best of how to parent.

You may be surprised to see, "making sure children never suffer," as a mistake in the name of kindness. The following story of the little boy and the butterfly may help you understand how rescuing children from all suffering creates weakness.

A little boy felt sorry for a butterfly struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. He decided to help so he could save the butterfly from the struggle. So he peeled the chrysalis open for the butterfly.

The little boy was so excited to watch the butterfly spread its wings and fly off into the sky. Then he was horrified as he watched the butterfly drift to the ground and die because it did not have the muscle strength to keep flying.

Like the little boy, parents too often (in the name of love) want to protect their children from struggle. They don't realize that their children need to struggle, to deal with disappointment, to solve their own problems, so they can develop their emotional muscles and develop the skills necessary for the even bigger struggles they will encounter throughout their lives.

It is important that parents do not make children suffer, but sometimes it is most helpful to "allow" them to suffer.

For example, suppose a child "suffers" because she can't have the toy she wants. Allowing her to suffer through this experience can help her develop her resiliency muscles. She learns that she can survive the ups and downs of life-leading to a sense of capability and competency.

Of course it isn't helpful when parents engage in "piggy backing"-adding lectures, blame and shame to what the child is experiencing.

"Stop crying and acting like a spoiled brat. You can't always have what you want. Do you think I'm made of money? And besides, all I got in my Christmas stocking was nuts and an orange."

Instead, parents can offer loving support. "I can see this is very upsetting to you. It can be very disappointing when we don't get what we want."

Period. I say, "period," because some parents even overdo validating feelings-going on and on in the hopes that validating feelings will take away the suffering.

Have faith in your children that they can learn and grow from suffering-especially in a supportive environment. Understand that kind is not always nice, short term. True kindness and firmness together provide an environment where children can develop the "wings" they need to soar through life.

About the Author:
Since 1979, Dr. Jane Nelsen has shown more than 2 million parents and educators how to use Positive Discipline to end power struggles and build more positive and healthy relationships. She loves to teach effective and practical was of How To Parent.



Article Originally Published On: http://www.articlesnatch.com


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