How To Motivate A Teen

There are many reasons why teens lack motivation to do what parents want them to do. For now, I'll mention just a few:
1.Parents nag and invite resistance.

2.Teens feel "conditionally loved" -- "I'm okay only if I live up to your expectations, get good grades, excel in sports." This hurts and some teens get even by failing. Others may become approval junkies.

3.Children aren't allowed to explore the relevance for themselves of what you want. They are "told", but they don't explore. How many parents "tell" their children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it? It is much more effective to ask "curiosity questions" as in No. 4.

4.Parents don't allow their children to learn from failure - an excellent motivator. One of the best ways to help children learn to be responsible (motivated) is to be consciously irresponsible. Allow them to fail and then be empathetic and help them explore the consequences of their choices through curiosity questions: "What happened? What do you think caused that? How are you feeling about it? What could you do in the future if you want another outcome? How can I support you?

5.Regarding motivation to do chores, homework, manners, coming home on time, etc.; again teens are too often told instead of invited to brainstorm and come up with solutions that works for everyone. Teens are much more motivated to follow a plan they have helped create.

6.Parents expect teens to "remember to do their chores" as though it were an indicator of responsibility. Most responsible adults were not necessarily responsible teens. Even though teens are "more" motivated to follow a plan they have helped create, they will still forget because it is not high on their list of priorities. This does not mean they are irresponsible. It means they are teens. A friendly reminder doesn't have to be a big deal. Use your sense of humor and remind with your mouth shut. Point, use charades, or write a note. If you have to say something, ask, "What was our agreement?"

7.Adults need to be kind and firm while holding teens accountable-once they have agreed upon a plan. It is just as easy to be kind with friendly reminders as it is to use unkind lectures. Actually it is easier, because everyone feels better and the job gets done without a power struggle. (Understanding that it is easier and more effective is the hard part. Where did adults every get the crazy idea that in order to make teens do better, first they have to make them feel worse.

8.Parents don't teach their children problem-solving skills through family meetings and individual barnstorming sessions.

9.Parents don't help children learn time management skills through involving them in the creation of routine charts. The key words are "involving them."

10.Parents give their children too many things and then wonder why they fail to be appreciative and instead just want more, more, and more.

11.Parents don't know how to say, "I love you, and the answer is no."

12.Parents are more interested in short term results than long-term results. For example, I'll make you do your homework now-even if it means you will never do your best because you are too busy rebelling.