How To Face An Impending Divorce

So, they say that breaking up is hard to do. But what about when it's a divorce--when it's with someone that you have committed yourself to legally, emotionally, and physically? When it's with someone that has shared your joys, laughter, tears, and pain? Someone who has fathered or mothered your children?

It feels like life will be over if you and your spouse split--and in some senses, it will be. Or rather, the life you know right now will be over and done. But in many impending-divorce situations, that can be a good thing.

After all, you need to keep your children in mind. Is a home atmosphere filled with constant fighting, negativity, and nitpicking really healthy for them? No, of course not--it's toxic!

It will be very difficult to face the music and then move on, and in my opinion, it should be. The people who don't find it challenging and emotional to get a divorce are the sad few in our society that walk away from a spouse at the slightest problem and end up married to eight or nine people before their life is over.

What you want instead is to turn this into a learning and growing experience. You need to really examine yourself to find out how they contributed to the deterioration of the marriage. People who never own up to their individual "issues," and then try to fix them are doomed to repeat major mistakes when they do try to formulate new relationships in the future.

If you are coming out of an emotionally, physically, mentally, or sexually abusive relationship, then there is no reason to believe you are at fault or contributed to these problems, but you DO need to seek major therapy in order to rebuild trust in the opposite sex and allow you to become a more effective parent.

Try not to see this as a catastrophe. It may feel that way initially, but in order to keep your morale up, you have got to count your blessings. Write them down and post them on a refrigerator or bulletin board if you need to, but keep reminding yourself.

Divorce is often an ugly process that involves ongoing arguing, but if you two do have children together, you have got to try to work together to become, as one psychologist puts it, "common allies of your children."
Finally, take time out to rediscover who you really are now that you are not one-half of a couple anymore. Redevelop a health amount of self-love. Once you love yourself, then you can become lovable to someone else once the time is right.