How To Avoid Unhealthy Relationships

A foundational key to avoiding unhealthy relationships is being able to describe what a healthy relationship is, so when unhealthy ones appear, they will be much easier to spot and therefore avoid. There is a serious problem though. Most people have very few references for what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. Few of us want a relationship like our parent's, yet that is our primary source of information about marriage during our formative years. We need to know what a healthy relationship looks like so we can avoid unhealthy ones.

Now...many years ago, before there were scanning machines to detect counterfeit money, bank employees were trained to recognize the real from the fake. What's most important...is that they spent all their time studying the original article, and no time on studying the fake. The goal was to get the employees so conditioned to the features of the genuine article that anything that deviated from it would stand out immediately.

In relationships, it works exactly the same way. The traits of a healthy relationship is what we need to concentrate our focus on.

A healthy relationship is one that involves 2 people who invest their time and energy to build a team. Both members pay the relationship keen attention, knowing that it needs to be high on their priority list if it's going to grow. This seems so obvious, yet to most people it's not. Study after study has shown that when asked what is most important to them, people rank their family relationships at the top. The core of the family is the marriage relationship. In any organization, the health of the relationship of those steering the ship is foundational to it's long term success. Yet, in spite of what the vast majority of people claim is important to them, their actions don't match their words. Work, children, friends, hobbies, in-laws and out-laws, and a multitude of other activities and relationships are allowed to crowd the couple out from their proper place of importance within the family unit.

The same principles that governs physical fitness or the obtaining of a desired goal, affect the health and wellness of a dating or marriage relationship. Far more often than not, what we put into it, we get out.

Mutual trust and respect for each other's thoughts and feelings is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. The uniqueness of each person is honoured and seen as a complimentary facet to the make up of the team. In it's diversity, is found a team's real strength.

Unfortunately, the unique traits of a spouse that were once considered highly attractive, often become the main reasons for unhappiness in an unhealthy relationship. Men and women begin to want their partner to behave more like them, to think like them and understand their unique point of view in spite of the fact that not only are men and women radically different biologically, they are socialized and conditioned very differently as well.

Couples in a healthy relationship understand that trust and respect, for the most part, is earned. If I behave in a manner that is trustworthy by keeping my commitments, I can earn both trust and respect. Even though I may not share my wife's opinions and feelings on a given subject, I can earn her trust and respect by allowing her to think and feel what she wants.

In healthy relationships, listening is vital, agreement is not. Listening does not mean agreeing.

A healthy relationship is one where differences of opinions are accepted and even welcomed. It's normal to disagree without becoming disagreeable. Disagreement does not equal rejection in healthy relationships. That's worth repeating. In healthy relationships, disagreement does not equal rejection.

For the relationship to prosper, it's imperative that there is agreement on values. Spiritual or religious beliefs need to be considered if the couple is to prosper, as do values and beliefs regarding work, child raising and in-laws.

Time spent discussing issues like "how to raise the children", is a requirement in a healthy relationship. Is it best for the family to have one of the parent's staying home with the children? What if your in-laws come to stay for an extended period of time...how do you feel? Are you a fitness buff and your spouse is a couch potato? If you want a family and a career, how will you work to do both at the same time? Do you want to send you children to public or private school, or maybe home school them?

Your values and beliefs are the primary sources that you will use to answer these important questions. These need serious consideration for your relationship to thrive.