How Can Avoiding Blame Help My Marriage?

Most of us that have been married any length of time have experienced those times where you are trying to work out a disagreement and you find yourself getting deeper with every attempt to justify what happened. All you want to do is restore peace and harmony but you can't see that happening until you get your point through. Finally, in frustration you throw your hands up and say; "Okay you win it's just not that important anyway" as you walk away.

In most cases you are absolutely right! In the grand scheme of your marriage, it probably wasn't that important to be the winner of your spat! But, as far as speedily resolving issues in your relationship goes, it is super important. And in that situation there was no resolution. There was no winner you both lose. Because those unresolved issues whether big or small will affect your relationship in the long run.

You may be thinking. Wait a minute! How do both of us win? And that's where things can get sticky. They only way for both of you to win is for things to come to the point of forgiveness. And forgiveness is not likely to occur until blame stops and acceptance of responsibility takes place.

I am not suggesting that any person take blame unduly. But, that both parties reflect on their own role in whatever issue has lead to the breakdown, rather than to blame the other person. Then take responsibility for your part by not only acknowledging it but by asking your spouse to forgive you. Be genuine in trying to understand your spouse's position and feelings concerning what has happened, without judging them on the scale of right or wrong.

Is it more important to be right or to have a happy and lasting marriage? Is it better to be wrong once and then make things right? Or, is it better to be wrong twice and to have to repair the mess that comes with that?

Personally, I try to avoid the right and wrong thing altogether. If my wife feels that I have offended her or treated unfairly then that is the way she feels. There is no right or wrong there. If she feels that way then I want to know about it because it is never my intention to hurt the woman that I love.

So I try to make it my practice to listen to her and actually hear what she has to say. When I realize that I have become defensive I try to stop. The best defense is to not defend my position but in listening to hers. Then I have no problem being humble and asking her to forgive me. It actually feels a lot better than fighting and it takes less energy too.