Helping The Kids Through Divorce

Divorce is hard on everyone, especially the kids involved. Here are some tips on helping your kids recover from their parent's divorce.

Is it really over?

Make sure the marriage is really over. If there is any chance to save the marriage see a marriage counselor, and figure out how to keep the marriage alive. The kids don't need to be a part of these conversations. If the marriage is really over, then it's time to make some visible changes.

Kids are confused when separated parents are still eating together, keeping family photos (including wedding photos) on the wall, and Dad is still coming over to mow the lawn. Make sure there is a clear separation of Mom and Dad. Move out all of the non-custodial parent's stuff into their new residence. Take down family photos with both parents pictured. (You can store these photos, but keeping them on the wall is very confusing for kids.)

Communicate Clearly to Your Kids

Explain that Mom and Dad are getting separated and will no longer be married, or living together. More details about the reasons for the divorce are not necessary. (Again, these are adult conversations and the kids don't need to be a part of the discussions on why the marriage didn't work.)

Talk About Your Relationship with Your Children

Discuss with your kids that you love them, and this will never change. Tell them that they had no part in the divorce, and nothing they can do caused the divorce, or can change the divorce.

Remind them that you will always be their parent, and will always love them. Things are going to be changing but the relationship between a child and his/her parent will not change.

Seek Outside Help

Find someone your kids can talk to outside of your family. It may be a counselor, religious leader from your church or synagogue, or a family friend. It helps if your children can talk openly, and without judgment, to another adult about their situation. There are also local support groups that help kids cope with divorce, and expose them to other kids experiencing divorce.

If your kids have friends that are also divorced, encourage them to talk to their friends. Tell your kids that they have done nothing wrong, and being part of a divorced family is nothing to be ashamed of.

You should also seek outside help. Now is time to figure out what happened in your marriage, and how to prevent this from happening again. Focus on yourself and how you can personally improve. Forgive yourself and move forward as someone who is worthy of love.

Be Patient

Divorce is a dramatic life change for your kids. Keep your family as "normal" as possible during this times. Maintain house rules, keep schedules the same; this isn't time to take the kids to Disney World or call all house rules "cancelled" for the time being. Children appreciate structure and consistency so try to keep everything that you can (accept the separation of Mom and Dad) the same.

Make some time, each week, to spend individually with each child. It may be running errands, picking up groceries, or a trip to get ice cream. During this time, let your child talk...and you just listen. You may not know all the answers, but you can reassure your child that you love him/her and will always love them and be their parent.

You'll all make it through this. Life is always changing, sometimes for good and sometimes for worse--and we can't control everything that happens in our life. Encourage your kids and let them know you are available to talk, whenever they want to share their feelings.