Grief Recovery Stages Summary

The stages of Death and Dying evolved by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross are often mis-identified as The Stages of Grief Recovery. In her schema, she came up with 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression and 5) acceptance as reactions to a diagnosis of terminal illness. Her stages only make sense when considered against that backdrop. As such, this configuration has nothing to do with the stages of grief recovery.

Looking back over my 25 years of therapeutic experience dealing with hundreds of individuals and families going through grief and loss and a review of the currently available data I have come up with 4 stages of Grief Recovery. Kubler-Ross' stages do not fit this paradigm even though they are often mistaken as the quintessential guideline. For those of you seeking grief recovery the following stages are what you can expect.

Stage 1) Shock and Numbness - This is what we experience immediately after the news of the death of a loved one. Disorientation enters our consciousness and we find we cannot think our way through previously simple challenges. This is a common experience for most individuals experiencing a sudden loss. Some have described this period as "sleepwalking" as they go through the funeral and necessary legal details which follow a death.

Stage 2) Disintegration and Disorganization - Eventually shock wears off, and our grief feelings come to the fore. You may feel like youre falling apart or adrift in a sea of feelings that are quite new to you. A good grief resource, grief counsellor or support group can help you navigate this part of the experience more readily. You may have some physical symptoms such as sleeplessness that you can take up with your family doctor. Feelings of anger, depression, anxiety and confusion are also common. Breaking into tears for no apparent reason is also normal, given the circumstances.

Stage 3) Bereavement and Grief Recovery - Once you are past the shock and have started to come out of disorganization, bereavement and grief recovery can begin in earnest. You can now make full use of your grief recovery resources including books, audio books, healing music and grief counseling. These days, you can be part of an online support group where sharing is the by-word and all persons there are eager and ready to listen and help each other recover. You are not alone, unless you choose to be. And you are not a victim, unless you choose that as well!

Stage 4) Reintegration and Coming back Together - The right kind of help coupled with recommended action steps will benefit your grief recovery enormously. Your approach to dealing with the emotional side of grief has begun to pay off. You are less and less inclined to break down. You can trust yourself to get on with your life and your daily routine. You realize your life has changed. That important person is gone, but not your love for them.

We have reviewed the stages of bereavement and grief recovery against the backdrop of Kubler-Ross' Stages of Death and Dying and see them to be different. What we experience after losing a valued loved one is not the same as what we would experience if we were given a terminal diagnosis. Entering grief recovery and moving through bereavement are the result of losing an important loved one. This would include separation and divorce. We are talking about losing a parent, child, spouse, life partner, close friend and valued family member. I have experienced all of these losses and know personally that these stages are accurate.

For a successful grief recovery I recommend the following: 1) Acquire a good reading and/or audio book resource that you can access whenever you want and need to, something that will provide support and guidance as you work your way through the necessary grief recovery action steps. 2) Check out any support groups in your area. This will help eliminate the feeling that you are alone and will normalize your recovery experience.

3) Online Grief Support Networks are readily available and worth consideration even if you've found a local group that you like. You get to post your story, meet other individuals going through their loss, and share recovery techniques. This provides a sense of belonging and community which is extremely important for a successful recovery. 4) See a therapist if you are feeling overwhelmed. This will help you through the worst part and get you on track with a self-managed bereavement recovery program. Follow these recommendations and your grief recovery will proceed quickly and efficiently.