Getting A Grip On Life's Challenges: An Exercise In Exerting Control

Often clients tell me they want more control in their lives. They want job security, a better family life, more peace of mind and less of things like anger, anxiety, depression, stress-even less annoying traffic on the way to and from work.

First Roadblock: Everything happens TO us. We seldom recognize the potential for control we have. Even more rarely do we use it. Instead we are very good at worrying, feeling depressed, irritable, at the mercy of a cold cruel world. We continually surrender the power we have by convincing ourselves we have to react in our habitual ways. We repeatedly tell ourselves things like "I'll just never get over being laid off like that." We are good at getting stuck.

Everyone knows someone who seems to bounce back no matter what comes her way. She has setbacks like the rest of us but they don't stick. We try to convince ourselves that her life is just easier than ours is but underneath we know this isn't true. So how does she make that lemonade out of lemons?

In most situations there is at least one thing we usually can influence-how we choose to react. We can learn to think thoughts and feel feelings that make the situation less toxic for us and for our families. Many "bad" things that happen are not 100 percent terrible but it sure feels like it especially when blindsided. Making the best out of a bad situation means finding that silver lining, consciously choosing to uncover opportunities hidden under the chaos. Take being laid off from a job. That can be devastating to an employee whose thoughts and feelings are dominated by anger, resentment, and hopelessness. She continually thinks thoughts and feels feelings that keep her in a place of fear. The "I'll-never-find-another-good-paying-job" mantra echoes in her head. Her laid-off colleague initially has those same thoughts and feelings but chooses to move beyond them. He searches for the opportunities this unwanted change brings-the possibility of a new career, more time for his children, greater appreciation for the housework his spouse usually takes care of, closer ties with his community, etc. Guess who finds employment first!

Exercise: Put yourself in the Driver's Seat. Try the following: Choose a situation that you are moderately upset about. For example: Your son left his car blocking yours in the driveway AGAIN.

Now ask yourself: "What am I continually telling myself about this "catastrophe"? (Write down three things that immediately come to mind.) For example: My son always does this. He doesn't care about inconveniencing me. He is so selfish! 1- 2- 3-

Now ask yourself: "What feelings am I stuck with when I repeat my "catastrophe" story?" (Write down two feelings that come up.) For example: irritation, resentment 1- 2-

Now name at least two consequences to the "catastrophe" that are either neutral ("At least I .......) or are positive (Now I am/can....Now I realize that...). Write the two neutral or positive statements down. For example: At least I saw his car in time and didn't damage mine. When I went in to get his car keys, I saw I had forgotten to turn off the oven. 1- 2-

Now say these neutral/positive statements aloud and/or read them to yourself 10 times. Notice how your feelings shift a little as you repeat them to yourself. Write down any new feelings. 1- 2-

Moving toward a more neutral or positive mood does not mean you no longer hold others accountable for their behavior. (For example, you still hold your son accountable for his careless behavior.)

Nor does it keep you from taking action (if appropriate) to try to prevent the situation from happening again. (For example, you take away your son's driving privileges for two days.)

Bringing your thoughts and feelings more under control allows you to take effective action. It keeps you from saying and doing things in the heat of the moment that you later regret.

Learning to shift your mood can be useful. The more you practice the better it gets.