Florida Is Home To Anti-bullying Tactics

New Anti-Bullying DVD Pushes Safety For All
Review by Pat Harris, LMFT

Three years ago, the U.S. government decided to distribute a DVD to stop bullying now in schools. (One could argue that the government itself could learn something from the DVD, what with its adventures in the Middle East). That program showed up recently at a free workshop given at Nova Southeastern University in Davie. The presenters also unveiled a web site that should be on every parents screen at least once in the next month yes, its time to stop bullying now.

As a family therapist, I applaud this effort while sighing heavily. Certainly our children in elementary and middle schools need a well-organized and dynamic presentation about the risks of bullying. The DVD defines the act of bullying as aggressive behavior that involves an imbalance of power or strength. The program gives examples of bullying as teasing, hitting, taunting, manipulating friendships or excluding other children.

In a dozen episodes, colorful animated animals in clothes go to school and experience what most of us know too well, the indignities of being excluded. The DVD also has workshops for organizations, teachers and parents to view with children, all with the aim of stopping bullying.

My concern is that the focus is on something negative. Its like Im going to kick this smoking habit. The focus is on not smoking, so guess what sticks in my mind? Cigarettes. If I can shift the focus to something positive, such as getting a fresh breath of air whenever I have an urge to smoke, the focus will not be anti-smoking, but rather pro-health and feeling good.

Let me tell you about a girl at an after-school center where I work. Whenever I walked into the main room, there she was, standing in a corner. I asked her why she was always standing in the corner. Mrs. B put me here. How can you get out? I asked her. I dont know. She ALWAYS puts me here and the other kids laugh at me. Mrs. B. apparently thought there is only one way to deal with this child and the child thought that there was nothing to do to change Mrs. Bs opinion. So I asked her, What are your options? With a little encouragement I found out that the girl could see her way to acting less annoying to Mrs. B. How can we work our way out of the corner? That question helped the girl focus on getting out, rather than focusing on where she was at.

I wonder if thats the problem I have with the governments focus on bullying. Stop Bullying Now keeps the focus on the negative. Get out of Iraq and anti-war rallies in general have this same characteristic: The focus remains on the current situation. Getting out and being against something takes our energy and creates separation. Youre either for the war or against it. You are the bully or youre against the bully.

Thats why I like what one of the counselors in the DVD says to the camera. We know that students want to feel safe. Hes standing in front of a sign that reads Positive Friends. Im sure the organizers of this campaign would never have gotten the government backing of their project if they proposed to make a DVD about positive friendship and feeling secure in school. Unclear. What does that title say about people who bully?

In my practice I focus on options, especially non-violent options. When a teacher shouts at a child, when a teacher makes a cutting remark about a childs continued lack of progress, thats bullying, too. Unconscious bullying happens when a teacher says, I struggled through school with Cs and Ds because I have dyslexia. I didnt have any alternative to the written test. So while Im willing to work with a dyslexic student to look at alternative ways of showing how well the kid knows the material, I would be doing the child a disservice if I allowed him to take a test orally. They dont do that in college.

What are our options? Thats what I hope people watching the bullying DVD will ask. How can we include the bully in the process? How can we see bullying in our own adult behavior? When we have the upper hand, how easy is it for us to use force to impose our will on a situation? I make the rules and youll follow them as long as youre in this house. Its my way or the highway at most schools where its unheard of asking the students to create the rules that they will follow. However, if we in powerful situations dont show the powerless how to participate in the discussion of how to use power, then why should we be surprised when our meek elementary students turn into mean middle school bullies? Theyve seen that when we have the power, we adults use that power rather than negotiating a solution.

The teacher who is dyslexic could reframe the situation by saying, Its a different world today than when I was in college. Governors have dyslexia and they dont take notes or write. They dictate. How can I restructure my class so that dyslexic kids could have someone take notes for them? How can we get the books read onto audio files? How can we allow students to make video recordings showing what they know instead of writing the answers? In short, when we feel annoyed with a [person, we can use that opportunity to find out the source of the irritation. Often the problem starts with us, since we are frustrated that we dont have an easy answer to a students problem. Rather than work on a solution together, we choose to get annoyed by this dyslexic kid who is seeking what we see as an easy way out and that annoys us who had to struggle through school. The key is looking at the bigger picture: if I dont help the student get out of the hole he is in, and if I wait for the student to come up with a solution, I risk leaving the kid in a frustrated state and that leads to resentment and anger. If I dont show the child an alternative, the child will resort to old behaviors that resulted in past failures. I ask my clients, How can we bring this back to you, not to the annoying student? When we get irritated, we see that we are irritated with the situation, not with the student. That insight leads to options, which lead to solutions.

If you want to learn more, go to stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov (why didnt they buy a shorter domain name?). The DVD costs $70 (why didnt the government contract pay for the DVD and distribution?) but the videos can be downloaded at no cost. For more insights into what lies behind the bully, visit ResolveToHeal.com.

You can meet me in Fort Lauderdale at one of the schools where I work, the Downtown Academy. www.downtownacademy.com. Imagine visiting sunny south Florida and taking time from your tours and the beach to sit down with students and learn how these anti-bullying campaigns and positive friendship programs have helped in our schools. You could see how this program helps students who are learning English at FreeEnglishLessons.com and how students can travel the world using web sites like Roadlovers.com. At least come by the school and pick up your free CDs and have more insight into the process of learning in a middle school.

Thanks for your attention.

Pat Harris
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
http://www.Roadlovers.com a travel site