Donna Mueller: Drugs And Alcohol (looking For Someone To Love Me)

I was never a bad kid, when I was growing up, not by the worlds standards. As a child, my parents did many bad things to me; things that would affect me much of the rest of my life. I was raised in the Lutheran Church. There I was taught about God, that Jesus died on the cross for me! I wanted to go to heaven some day, when I died, but I didnt know how to get there. People always told me that God loved me but I didnt really believe it. I wanted to find someone who would truly love me.

All my life, I grew up feeling like I was unlovable. I thought there was something wrong with me that no one loved me. If my own family didnt love me, how could God love me, when I really didnt know Him or have a relationship with Him? I tried to find ways to make my family love me. I found that I was pretty good at sports so I immersed myself in them. I joined the military, and went off to college all in vain attempts to find love. Nothing worked! While at college, wanting to fit in and be loved, I began drinking heavily and doing drugs. I just wanted someone to say that they cared for me!

One spring day, one of my teammates shared the gospel with me and for the first time I realized that it had nothing to do with me! It was all about what Jesus did for me! He paid the price, he loved me enough to take my sin on Himself and pay the price for them with His own precious blood! I realized that there was nothing that I had to do, not getting my family to be proud of me, not their love for me or their approval would get me to heaven, but Gods love and sacrifice was all that I needed. That day I trusted Jesus as my Saviour and I began a new relationship with Him! I didnt know much else about God, so I remained in the Lutheran church.

At college, I met a boy who told me he loved me. We married and 15 yrs. later I found out that he never truly loved me. I had wanted so badly to find someone to love me that I was blinded to things that I should have noticed and been obvious to me long before I married him. I was devastated for a long time.

I poured myself into my children. I committed my everything to them in hope that they would love me! Then my best friend had to move away but her brother and his family were moving in next door to me. I already knew them so I felt better. They were going to a Baptist church and had invited my kids and I.

I went to church with them and discovered that there was a place where Gods word was preached without apology or compromise! I knew right away that I needed to join that church. I knew that if I wanted to learn to live right and to have a better life for me and my kids that FBC is where we needed to be.
We joined the church and through the grace of God, I have grown in the Lord! I was struggling with a smoking addiction that I just could not overcome. When Preacher announced that they were going to be starting an addictions program called RUI, I thought that this would finally be what I needed to overcome my addiction. Although I had tried to quit many times before, I just could never do it.

I began to work the program and God started to prick at my heart, regarding my smoking. Finally I gave up! I gave it to God! I told Him that I could not do it, I needed Him to help me. He did and I have been free from the addiction of smoking for the last 3 and yrs. Fast forward to the day I found out that I was sick, very sick with cancer. Even though I knew better, I stopped relying on the Lord and went back to my smoking. It was my security blanket. I know that I truly hurt my Saviours heart when I did that but I felt so alone and once again as if no one loved me, not even my Lord!

Recently, God has shown me some areas in my life that I needed to deal with. I have never dealt with the feelings of being unlovable and that has plagued me all of my life. I have always felt unloved and worthless all of my life. Even though I know that God loves me, I still struggle with feeling like He really does love me. I know myself better than anyone and I am well aware of my shortcomings, therefore it is hard for me to understand how He could love someone like me! I am going through a process now, of painstakingly breaking down the walls that I have built up in my life over the last nearly 50 years. I am beginning to understand that God does love me! I am starting to understand that I am someone who could be loved by God and others.

Looking back over my life, I can see Gods hand in much of my life, guiding me every step of the way. God is so merciful to me; He truly does love even a sinner like me.