Declaration Of Twindependence

When my twin daughters were born, I made a sound commitment that they should enjoy the benefits of being a singleton, just like my first child. However, this was easier said than done. Attentive family members decided it would be cute to give my girls identical dresses, identical bibs, and identical toys. With my relentless guidance, they are now 30-year-old women with their own tastes in clothing, friends, and interests. It wasnt easy, but through those years, I formulated rules to help my daughters feel valued for their individuality.

Rule #1 Always call them by their given names. After they were born, my visitors and relatives spread that word that I had twins. With my first child, everyone spread the news that I had a daughter and used her name. But when my two babies were born, they grew to become part of a matched set. When somebody asked to hold one of my daughters, I made sure she knew which baby she held.

Rule #2 Dress each baby differently. That well-meaning relative who brought identical clothes was probably disappointed to find only one of my children in the dresses she had given to both of them. However, I needed to explain that I was raising two children who just happened to be born on the same day and who were coincidentally carrying the same genetic code. As tempting as it was to see two identical girls in identical pink clothes, I had to force myself to explain that had they been born two years apart, they wouldnt have had identical outfits.

Rule #3 - Let each child to select which hobbies to pursue. It was difficult for some people to understand why one girl wanted to take dance lessons while the other wanted to learn clarinet. My friends would ask, Isnt that too much work shuttling them around to different areas? Id reply, No more effort than taking three children of different ages to different sports, music, ballet, or art classes.

Rule #4 Allow them to form their own friendships. Just because one girl was friendly with the next-door-neighbors girl didnt mean that my other daughter would also find her enjoyable. Throughout the years, each girl accumulated a variety of close friends. My declaration for their TWINdependence also caused carpool challenges. Occasionally, Id find myself as the carpool drop-off for one daughter and pickup for the other. Occasionally this actually worked to my benefit particularly when you tossed my older daughters activities into the mix. Other mothers and fathers felt sorry for me as I drove three young ladies around town. I just smiled and accepted their pity, knowing that at least I cared enough to take my daughters where they needed to be, unlike some parents who always seemed to place their children into my van without jumping into the pool.

Rule #5 Give them different gifts for birthdays and holidays. Once again, the well-meaning family members managed to sneak in identical presents under the premise that they wouldnt fight over the present that way. OK, I could appreciate that logic, but to also get them the same greeting card? When was the last time two individual children fought over getting the same birthday card?

Rule #6 Plan separate birthday celebrations. I know this seems like more effort for you, and it probably is. But think of it this way youd be doing the extra work anyway, if they hadnt been twins and had different birthdays. Since I had encouraged my daughters to cultivate their own friendships, the guest list became simple. It also lessened the burden on other parents who may otherwise have had to buy two birthday presents (and they would doubtless be identical toys, as well!)

I held the birthday parties on successive weekends, alternating who got the celebration first each year. They could pick their own birthday party theme, their own cake decoration, their own party location, and their own activities. Naturally, they were invited to each others birthday party. They even got to choose a particular gift to give during the party. What better way to establish individuality than to hold separate birthday parties!

Rule #7 Look carefully for indications of dominant twin syndrome. By the time my daughters were in 8th grade, one had become the dominant twin with the other tagging along. Despite my best efforts, their natural dependence on each other bloomed into a relationship where one of my daughters had difficulty generating her own decisions. From my perspective as a parent, this was not a favorable characteristic, just as she was entering the high school influence of drugs, alcohol, and sex. She needed help beyond what I could give her.

So we enrolled her in an Adironcack camp without her sister. When we picked up the camper, I could immediately see that her self-confidence had been given the boost that I felt she needed. She loaded her own gear back into the van instead of looking around to see if someone would do it for her, and she chattered all the way home about her experiences in the woods. Looking back on that week now as an adult, she tells me, It was the best thing you ever did to help me find my own personality.

That camping trip might have been the best thing, but it surely wasnt the only factor. My three girls are strong, confident women who coped beautifully through the pressures of high school and college. And they have a strong sense of social justice, most likely because they learned early that each person is an individual, even if they do appear exactly alike.