Dating Smarter Is Something Ive Been Asking My Adults Clients To Do For Over 20 Years!

Hello, Im Bill Strong and Ive been in private practice for over 20 years in Denver, Colorado. As you might guess, many of the adults I work with are seeking help in their dating and relationships. I like to combine the role of Dating Coach with that of a Solution Focused Therapist. In doing so, I ask my clients to get clear on just what they are looking for in their relationships.

Dating takes many different forms as each person had their own unique set of goals. To over-simplify, I believe people tend to either date for fun, or they are searching for a long-term partner. Just dating for fun is pretty self-explanatory. Although its just for fun, no drama, people seem to struggle with this approach and often make as many mistakes in their fun-dating as those who are looking for something more serious.
So lets examine some aspect of what I consider Dating Smart.

Make Dating Fun!
In my 20+ years of being a therapist, I have lost count of how many times Ive heard a client say I just hate dating. My response is always the same; Boy, Ill bet youre fun to date then.Seriously, if you hate dating how can that be a good place to start something good? I want my clients to make their dating fun, even if they are looking for a long-term relationship. Just what is there to hate about dating and how can we chance that perspective?

I ask my clients to imagine playing a game of poker with some close friends. Just for fun, nothing too serious (as in not involving a lot of money). Lets say we are playing quarter ante poker, where the pot never gets much more than $5.00. Youre having fun and you might win a little cash for Starbucks.Each card you draw is just part of the fun, no pressure or stress. Lots of laughs and good times are the result.

Now imagine youre playing $100 ante, where the pot gets over $1000. Now each card is a BIG DEAL and youre probably not laughing and goofing around as much. Every card you get means something and its a stressful process. Getting a bad card is upsetting and a good hand probably feels great. Balance is just about out the window. Unless youre a serious poker player youre probably not having that much fun.

See where Im going with this? People who are looking for their life partner approach dating as if the stakes are really high. They will actually argue with me about how serious it is. Even for someone they are just meeting for lunch! Everything that happens on the date is a big deal, good or bad. This is where I think people stop having fun on their dates as everything weighs so heavily on the process. Wow, just thinking about this makes me hate dating!

So, lighten up and have fun on your dates. Approach it like a potential friendship. Relax and see if you find the other person interesting and enjoyable. That is how we can start something meaningful, healthy and long-term.

Know What Youre Trying To Accomplish!
Just like most things in life, knowing where youre hoping to end up guides our starting point. Are you dating for just fun? If so, then tell the other person. Plenty of people are looking for everything from hook-ups to simple dinner dates and a movie. Be honest about what youre about and seeking. Make sure you believe someone when they are telling you they are just dating for fun. I see more broken hearts when this is ignored! If someone tells you they arent looking for a serious relationship, believe them! If you ignore this Ill bet youll be hearing that comment again down the road if things get serious. Youll most certainly hear it when you start asking for more from the relationship.

If youre looking for something serious, then please remember my poker analogy. Keep it fun and light. Keep it simple. Do not talk about heavy drama topics (like your last relationship or break up) on the first date! Even if youre faced with the old So, we may as well get our past out of the waywhat happened in your last relationship. DO NOT fall into the trap of too much self-disclosure early on in a dating relationship. Simply say Oh, I dont want to bore you with that topic, then redirect the conversation. Say something like So, where did you go on your last vacation? Which of course is a boundary. Most people will then move past the topic, which is a healthy reaction to a boundary. Some people will ask again by saying No really, what happened? Do you have problems talking about personal issues? Besides asking for the check, the response here is No, I actually like talking with my friends about meaningful and personal topics. Given that weve just met, I just dont feel compelled to share my life story with someone I just met. Any yes, the date at this point is probably dead in the water, as it should be. Move on unless you are seeking a pushy person who steamrolls your boundaries.

If youre looking for a relationship, accept that most dates arent going anywhere because youre looking for something special and difficult to find.

I cant stress this point enough. I see clients make the same mistake time and time again. They start dating and then get serious with whoever theyve had a second or third date with. Then when the relationship turns out to be less than they had hoped for, they saying something like I dated a lot before I met this person, theres no one out there for me. Being the blunt therapist that I am, I have to point out that they didnt date a lot. They dated a little, and got serious too soon.

Lets end with a few rules that can help keep things fun and simple.
Plan fun dates that are active and involve interaction.
Meeting for coffee isnt a date. Its a meeting to see if you want to date the person.
No heavy self-disclosure until you really start getting to know the person.
Sorry but no sex until the 8th date or after. As soon as sex happens, simple/no drama goes out the window.
No meeting the family, going on long weekends, or other activities that couples do until 3 months have passed from the first date.
Do not see the person more than once a week for the first few months. Keep dating others. Do not be too available.
Pay attention! People show you who they are. Are they on time? How much do they drink? Do they have a lot of nice friends or are they isolated? Do they like their work? Are they close to their family, and in particular their opposite sex parent (this may sound like psycho-babble, but trust me it matters).

Thats a start. Ill be writing more about this in the future. I hope this helps! Date Smarter or youll just end up with someone, instead of The One.
Bill Strong, LCSW
Denver Therapist and Counselor