Cry Me A River: Decoding Baby Waaa-waaa's

Are you insane yet? Constant crying can drive anyone bat-suit bonkers, but did you ever stop to think it might be more than just noise? The real trick is in figuring out what language the little droolers are speaking.

Homer Simpson's brother Herb, forced to live on the streets due to his half-sibling's amazing stupidity, finds the answer to a problem that has plagued mankind forever. Once solved, he rode it all the way back to his once lost fame and fortune.

What did he do?

He invented a baby translator. It successfully decoded a baby's cries and sounds and rendered them easily understandable for all to hear. It was amazing, it was useful, and because The Simpsons is a cartoon, it was also imaginary. Well, fudge.

Different Languages, Different Worlds:
So do you throw up your hands and resign yourself to nearly two years of crying and howling while your precious treasure drives herself stark raving mad trying to be understood? If you're one of those bad, selfish parents out there then the answer would be "yes," but for the rest of us, the solution is a lot easier than you think.

Any parent knows instinctively the subtle differences between their baby's various cries. When the little one is hungry, she makes one sound; when she's tired, the tone changes quite a bit. Mistakenly drop a high heel on her soft little foot and the noise you'll hear will most certainly be unlike any other. So if you take the basic knowledge you already posses and add in a little professional help, you just might reveal a Rosetta stone of communication that will change both your lives.

Learning to Speak the Language:
According New Parent Advisor by Harvard Medical School family therapist Dr. Zachariah Boukydis, some of the most common crying signals and explanations of their meaning are laid out. For example, hunger cries apparently tend to be rhythmic in nature: A loud or immediate burst followed by a pause while the little one catches her breath, then followed by more crying as the pattern expands itself.

If you've ever had more than two meals in a row at Taco Bell, you know the pain of discomfort. When your baby wakes up suddenly and yells, xhe may be dealing with her own "bathroom" issues. The cry in this case is usually shriller and much more intense than a hunger cry would be. Obviously, when things finally "work themselves out," baby will be fine.

Any cry containing a long, piercing burst, followed by a slight pause and then another loud burst usually indicates a fair amount of pain. The smart thing to do is immediately check for other signs of illness, like a fever, and if present, contact your doctor.

As a perfect warm-up to their teen years, any sort of persistent, throaty moans are often your baby's way of saying "I'm too cold" or "My diaper is riding up" or "Leave me alone." Basically this kind of crying is a good way of shutting everything out and attempting to communicate to mom and dad that "I have had enough!"

Taking the time to do some on-site research (that is, taking specific note of what's bugging your little one when they cry) and then picking up some books on the topic can go a long way toward making the time you spend together go a whole lot better.

Why Stop There?

Today, there is a very large movement dedicated to teaching babies basic sign language to make the communication between parent and child even more enjoyable and barrier-free. There are seminars, courses, and tons of books on the subject.

There's a great little board book by Nancy Cadjan called More Please! that lays out baby sign language in an excellent, easy-to-use format. You can teach your little one words like "more" (tap your fingertips together), "please" (rub your hand over your chest in a circular motion), and "I love you" (show your hand with only your thumb, index, and pinkie fingers raised up). As a double bonus, the "I love you" sign may be mis-interpreted by non-signing parents as proof you are teaching your child the "heavy metal rules" gesture - which is a whole other level of fun.

The only possible downside of teaching sign language to your baby may be that the two of you will have such a great and easy time communicating that your little angel might see no immediate reason to start talking at all. Why waste time speaking when a few waves of the hand can get you everything you ever wanted?

It might be a small price to pay to change the theme song for your house from "Shook Me All Night Long" over to the "Sounds of Silence."

Does your baby have different cries? If so, how can you tell the difference?