Couples Counseling In Five Minutes: Strengthen Your Relationships While Fighting

Most couples in relationships and marriage sooner or later find themselves arguing and fighting. These disagreements many times are highly emotionally taxing and usually do not feel good. The temporary disconnect with your partner during these moments of disagreement is so unsettling that it almost feels like your love, relationships, and marriage is falling apart. Before you consider marriage and couples counseling, there is something for you to consider:

Arguments are an inevitable part of most healthy relationships. Arguments can be very effective tools for clarifying boundaries and rules within your marriage and relationships, and as such, arguments can actually bring you closer together and increase mutual respect, love, and appreciation. After all, if most couples fight, wouldn't you want to know how to use these fights as an opportunity for bettering your relationships? Yes - you heard me: Arguments, when done right, can increase mutual appreciation, love, and intimacy.

So, dear couples, here is your five minutes couples counseling session. How to fight constructively:

1.Have a goal in mind - what is the purpose of this argument? Each communication has a purpose and intention. The purpose of an argument is clarification of boundaries and expectations in your relationships or marriage. Keep your desired end result in mind. This will help you accomplish to things. First, keeping your goal in mind will keep you on track toward the desirable resolution. Second, keeping the desired goal in mind will allow you some emotional objectivity in the process of the argument, which will prevent things from overheating.

2.One issue at a time. Make sure you stick to the issue you are arguing about. Jumping from one issue to the next will resolve nothing and only create tension and negativity in your relationship. Remember the ultimate goal - resolution! Pick one battle at a time, and while maintaining the desired resolution in mind, focus on that particular issue for now. One issue at a time!

3.Use direct language - speak your mind loud and clear. After all - it is a fight. Avoid emotional blackmailing and passive aggressive techniques such as pouting and silent treatment. Speak up and make sure you speak from your own perspective. State what makes you upset, why it is upsetting to you, what meaning you assign to this incident or issue, and how it makes you feel in the relationship. Speak for yourself and clarify your position to your partner.

4.Avoid swearing if you can. If you cannot - make sure the target of your fury is the behavior or issue you argue about, rather than your spouse. Never use offensive language toward someone you love - EVER!!! Shifting an argument from the issue to the person is the biggest and most destructive mistake couples make. Stating that the behavior was inconsiderate is different from stating that your partner is inconsiderate. Make sure to separate the behavior from the person, and focus on the issue. After all, you want to eliminate the disagreement, and not your partner.

5.Louder tone is acceptable, however, if you are waking up the neighbors, you are probably not being effective in your communication. The louder you are the harder it is to hear you. Our brain is wired to shift into "Fight or Flight" mode when the person in front of us loses their s***t. It is also known as a survival mode, which channels all our resources into self-preservation and logical reasoning in these moments shuts down. If your partner is incapable of thinking straight as you are exercising your vocal cords, your message does not reach the target audience. It also means that you are not keeping the end result and the desired resolution in mind. Regroup and lower your voice before continuing.

6.Allow your spouse to respond and gage if they are on the same page. Check if they have an understanding of the issue and the reason you are upset right now. If they do not - clarify until they do, and ask them directly whether they understand why you are upset. The purpose of any communication is mutual understanding. In this particular issue the insight into each other's feelings and mental processes is not the only goal. You also probably want to be on the same page with your partner. Check whether you are on your way toward the desired end result.

7.Once your partner is getting the issue, clarify what is it that you want. Explain how you would like the situation resolved at this moment, or in the future.

8.In case your resolution is not acceptable for your spouse, repeat what makes you upset at this moment and ask your spouse for solutions.

9.Repeat steps 7 and 8 until mutually acceptable resolution is found and agreed upon.

10.Once the issue is resolved, make up. Reconnect, do something sweet for your spouse.

Now you have effectively created a clear boundary in your relationship and avoided finding yourself in couples counseling. Good job!