Controlling Spouses, What To Do About It

Controlling Spouses, What To Do About It

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This week a woman contacted me in great distress about her relationship with her second husband. When I told her to sum up her complaint about her husband in one sentence, she chose: "He is controlling". She backed this statement up with all kinds of information to make sure that she was completely justified.

What I think about when a girl says that her spouse is "controlling" is that she believes she is controllable. This interests me. Anytime somebody thinks that a person is doing anything TO them, they are leaving their power in the hands of that person. When our minds believe that way about anyone other than ourselves, we have to be the victim of their behaviors, and we do not need to be responsible for ours.

In this case, she was assuming it was his fault that she doesn't sing anymore. He thought that it would be good if she stopped singing in bars, which was her passion before they fell in love and got married. She complied, and, as a result, stopped singing altogether. Then she started being angry that she had stopped living her passion. She chose to give up singing because it upset him, and yet she noticed that he kept doing what he wanted even if it upset her.

Why is this problem the case for lots of ladies? Because women like to keep their men happy and also keep them around. Women act on those beliefs and then make themselves unhappy in the process. Resentment and anger set in and women then BLAME the male, as if they contributed to it! (Gentlemen, you must look to see if you hold the same beliefs about women!).

To reveal her thoughts and free her from their bad consequences, we talked about several different levels: First, we looked at her past history with men in general and some thoughts she had towards men that would make her think they are controlling. Next, we found her pattern of victimization and how she used it in the past and how it limited her relationship in the present. Then, we looked at what life would be like if she did not perceive men as controlling. Finally, we saw how she showed up in the exact ways she blamed about her husband and men in general. As she saw how "controlling" she was in the way she thought about how she thought he should do things to please her, the laughing started. When we "get" how we are actually acting, it is hard not to laugh!

It was success when she realized that it was HER that was actually making the relationship hard. When she focused on all of her husband's faults, the relationship was hopeless and she was ready to cut her losses and move on. When she focused instead on how she was driving him away with her resentment and anger, she got to look at a number of options available to her, should she choose to be different. She changed from without hope and power, to full of hope and power.

What a thrill to be invited by someone to dig deeply, get to the heart of the matter, and come up with all kinds of empowering possibilities!

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About the Author:
Emily Bouchard, MSSW, offers a no-cost online newsletter to help blended families. Get a unique copy of this article at http://blended-families.com/cs/spin/?f=family_controllingspouse.php



Article Originally Published On: http://www.articlesnatch.com


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