Thousands of self-help books and marital family therapy programs provide tips on how to have better communication in marriage. However, one of the root causes of marital breakdown does not seem to easily emerge in marital family therapy - "telling the truth". This is a crucial skill that is needed in order to truly have
better communication in marriage. We don't mean to say that people lie on purpose. Rather, we believe that people hide the truth. People often speak in codes about their relationship issues. They even do this in marital family therapy. They may do this because they feel that their partner will not be able to handle the truth, or perhaps that he or she may not react well to it. In our experience, the number of people not exploring their fears around telling the truth in marital family therapy is unfortunately high.
Here is a classic example of a conversation that leads to
relationship issues: You and your spouse prepare to go on a trip and one of you notices that you are missing a key item. Your spouse says, "I'll take care of it". You then roll your eyes and think, "Yeah right! Like the 23 other times you said you would take care of something and didn't?" But instead of communicating your concern you say, "Okay, great". You then become frustrated, but your spouse does not understand why. This leaves negative space between the two of you that continues to pile up on top of other miscommunications. At that moment when you conceal your true feelings, you are not giving your spouse a chance to rectify the situation. You are contributing to communication difficulties by not telling the truth about how you feel and what you want to see happen. This kind of communication in marriage is sure to cause relationship issues.
Communication in marriage is premised on the highest commitment towards telling the truth to your partner. It is confusing when we speak
around the issue rather than directly
about the issue. Better communication in marriage needs to start from a place of authenticity. We do not believe that communication in marriage should ever be sugar coated - doing that surely contributes to relationship issues. And chances are, if you cannot communicate truthfully with your current spouse, you will not be able to develop better communication in marriage with a new spouse.
Authentic communication in marriage is a skill that needs to be developed, as it is the foundation of
a strong and intimate relationship.
