Children And Divorce - How To Help Them Cope

Telling the children about an impending separation or divorce is one of the most heartbreaking tasks that separating parents didn't wish to have to face, not to mention the single parenting task ahead after breaking the news. To be able to handle how to tell them and to successfully raise them whether as sole or shared custody, we should first understand the child's major concerns.

A child, especially the younger set, has this ideal picture of a complete family set up, and thus when a separation or divorce happens, this hurts his or her imagery of the ideal family set up, feeling a loss, sense of insecurity or separation anxiety, which might result in the child becoming unruly and having a rebellious behavior as his or her way of seeking attention. This need not necessarily happen though when basically what the child is crying out for is emotional security, feeling of belongingness and parental love.

To be able to tell the child/ren with the least negative impact, here are things to keep in mind when faced with the task of breaking the news of separation or divorce:

(1) Children of divorce especially need to be reassured that they will always be loved, that they are not losing parental love, but the mom and dad just have differences and that it will be better for either parent to be apart. In the same manner that your child does not necessarily get along with everybody by sheer matter of individual differences.
(2) Children of divorce, in certain situations, will be exposed and introduced to the new partner, and this is a source of anxiety especially because they will always have their loyalty for their biological mom or dad; in such case, even if you are tempted to talk ill of your ex, for the sake of your child/ren it will be best that you do not speak ill of your ex, so that they will not develop a bitter, resentful attitude which might later on affect their behavior in adolescence and adulthood. It is best put as a matter of differences between you and your ex. This will at least make it easier for you and for the child/ren should the time come that you meet someone new whom you will gradually introduce as well.
(3) Strengthen your bond even further with your child. Do activities together whether school activities, fun activities, house chores; be generous with praises, hugs, gestures of affection. Children of divorce have this special emotional insecurity and they need all the reassurance and affirmation they can get.
(4) Communicate regularly with your child - encourage open communication so that whatever your child feels you can address immediately lest resentment builds up in the child. Do not always presume that what you see in your child is all there is. A regular open communication is a must.
(5) As single parents we are only human and still backslide and feel bitterness for our ex especially when stressed - in such cases, do not ever make the mistake of taking it out or venting on your child/ren. This is what friends and support groups can do for you. Have some "me" time so as not to feel resentful as well. For children to grow up well-rounded and with a positive attitude, they need to see the parent as positive as possible as well.

I have a recommended reading especially for children of divorce: How Do I Tell The Kids About The Divorce, which is a compilation of six professional therapists sharing their expertise. Psychotherapists, counselors, divorce attorneys and other professionals in the field endorse and support this book.