Most people think, if you want to
improve your marriage you go to marriage counseling, and you go to
divorce mediation if you want to get a divorce.
Ironically, most couples who see a marriage counselor end up in divorce.
The lack of basic understanding on the part of western psychology of what marriage is, makes the so-called "trained" marriage counselors rarely helpful. Western psychologists think of marriage as material and psychological; they have no insight into the spiritual foundation of marriage. In most cases all they actually do when they are "successful" is put off divorce until the children are a little older.
On the other hand, any good mediator will tell you those who seek divorce through mediation sometimes find they are better off actually staying together, and they do. You see the whole idea of mediation is to break down barriers of communication and sort things out in a way that works for everybody. So for those who are open minded, the process used by mediators becomes instructive and helps the couple learn better communication skills, which is a big part of a healthy marriage.
A good mediator will never funnel a couple towards divorce. From their own experience they recognize most couples are merely stuck in old habits. In most cases the so-called problems in a marriage are like dark clouds of misunderstanding blocking the sunshine of goodwill and love.
The Highest Priority of any Couple Considering Divorce should be to Do Everything they can to Save their Marriage
There are certain questions each person in a threatened marriage should ask themselves:
- Have I been a good or even great spouse?
- Have I been aware of the pain my spouse feels?
- Do I see my spouse's point of view?
- Are my expectations of my spouse fair? Could I live up to my own expectations?
- Have I shown unconditional love and understanding?
In most cases the answers to the above questions are a sheepish "no." Our materialistic culture starts jamming into our minds the concept of fairness because in business, fairness is known to be the underlying doctrine of a good business deal. But in marriage the idea of fairness is lethal because it is against the doctrine of unconditional love.
If you wish to have one horrible marriage after another, all you need to do is blame your partner for everything that is wrong in your marriage. Contrariwise, if you wish to have an amazing marriage, learn how to love unconditionally. Be your spouse's very best friend even if they are not yours. When the Beatles sang, "The love you make is equal to the love you take," they were expressing a fundamental spiritual truth that is foundational for every happy marriage. Slow down your mind and step out of the way of your own fears and tensions. Always do what you should do, not just what you want to do.
