Bullying: Would You Know If Your Child Was A Victim?

'But Ken loves his gymnastics. He always has. I just don't understand why he's gone off it. And he's so moody about it too!'

The Mum on the 'phone was becoming agitated. Her friend had called to arrange the transport for their two boys' weekly gym class - but for the third week in succession, Ken was refusing to go. And Mum was perplexed.

However, it didn't take her long to discover that Ken was being bullied.

ChildLine (a UK charity) estimates that 8 out of 10 children either have been or are victims of bullying. Bullying is a curse on society that has been around for thousands of years, and it doesn't only happen to kids.

But we'll focus on child bullying and look out for tell-tale signs that could mean our kids are being bullied.

SYMPTOMS OF BULLYING

Often the first sign will be a change of heart regarding an activity the child once enjoyed. There could be a reluctance or even a refusal to take part. It could involve school or a hobby like Ken's gymnastics.

This reluctance - or even outright refusal - is often accompanied by signs of fear, like shaking and nervousness, aggressive language, or feeling ill.

The victim may also display signs that are out of character, such as mood swings, pale and drawn features and so on.

There are also outward signs that may alert you, e.g. torn clothes or a dishevelled appearance, minor injuries like cuts and grazes, and personal items like cell phones may have been mysteriously lost.

Unusual demands for cash may be made, and you may even notice pilfering from your purse or wallet. This is to pay-off the bullies.

A decline in school performance is not uncommon, and there may also be a decline in sporting activities or a loss of interest in hobbies that were once all-consuming.

A sign that most parents find very disturbing is a change in mood or 'personality'. Your little boy or girl may be friendly and happy under normal circumstances, but now there is a sadness and anxiety which can be so severe they may not want to go over the door. And any attempts to intervene can be met with uncharacteristic outbursts!

REASONS FOR THE CHANGE

All of the above symptoms are rooted in fear. This ranges from fear of embarrassment to fear for life itself. The child is trying at all costs to avoid the fear-inducing experience of bullying.

Possibly the greatest fear is that if they confide in anyone, things will get worse. This leads to a deepening of the fear and, since the child sees no way out, it can end in depression.

A discussion of the different types of bullying may help at this stage.

Physical, verbal and social: these are the three types of bullying according to psychologists - and they can all happen at once.

Physical bullying can be not only attacks like kicking and punching, but also intimidation like grasping the lapels, shoving, or threatening with a weapon.

It goes hand-in-hand with an assault on the victim's belongings, like stealing money or destroying sports items.

Verbal bullying is name-calling, insults, and the use of loud or aggressive shouts - all designed to create fear and intimidate the victim.

Social bullying - often called relational bullying - involves a group of kids ganging up on one or more victims. A very damaging variation of this is when a group decides to ignore one of their members.

There are ways to help your child if he or she is a victim of bullying, and these are dealt with in another article.

The purpose of this article is to help parents be vigilant: many of the above signs are so obvious that it's easy to overlook them.

How bad would you feel if Ken was being bullied, but as his parent you put it down to the onset of the terrible teens, or just a phase he's going through, or just a change of interest? (He's 'gone off' gymnastics.)

Even small changes in your child's behavior should be noted. Of course, we must avoid being over-attentive and intrusive, but we can safely monitor what's going on and help. It's amazing how many kids feel they are somehow to blame if they're being bullied!

Here's to your success!