Blended Families: 5 Tips To Keep Things From Getting Mixed Up

When you marry your lover, you have to deal with her whole family. If either of you is divorced, and have children, it is even harder for everyone to adjust. Visitation and child support issues can breed stress and hard feelings. If the children from the previous relationship are grown, family events can be a real mine field.

There are things you can do to try to ease the tension. They aren't always easy, but they could pay off in the long run. Here are 5 suggestions:

1. Introduce yourself to the ex-spouse. Try to meet in a comfortable environment and talk openly about your situation. You don't have to justify your attachment to your new lover. You should, however listen patiently to what the first spouse has to say. You will appear much less threatening if you take the position early on that you don't see your relationship with your new lover as a bad judgment against his ex.

2. Don't try to rush his kids into your lives together. They are struggling with the fact that their parents are not going to get back together. This may not be as true for children whose parents have been apart for a long time. But, if they are newly separated, the kids may not have adjusted, and your presence may seem like an intrusion, and a distraction from their hopes to reunite their mother and father. Even good intentions won't make you an automatic member of their family circle. You will have better luck winning their trust if you give them time to adjust to you gradually.

If you don't move in on them too fast, they will eventually accept you as a part of their family circle. They may find that they like you, and acknowledge that you are good for your lover. In time, you may be able to foster a true friendship with them.

3. Stay out of family fights. If the kids are angry with each other, try not to take sides. Even if it is obvious who is right and who isn't, you will only make an enemy if you choose between them. Siblings will likely forgive each other eventually. However, the one who received your disapproval will remember you in a negative light even when the original controversy is forgotten.

4. Don't be nasty to your lover's ex. No doubt, you have heard what a creep the ex is, and that may be the case. However, you are only hearing one side of the story, and if you react to what you've heard by treating the spouse in a hostile manner, you aren't making things easier for your lover, yourself or his kids. What you hear from your lover about his ex should not color your reactions to her. You can have your own take on someone without sharing your feelings. Since what you think probably won't improve an already tense situation, you are much better off to keep your thoughts to yourself.

5. If your lover's kids are small, help her obey the court's order. Don't encourage her to withhold visitation or skip paying child support. Treat his obligations to his ex as a business debt that has to be managed. It wouldn't do you any good to call your credit card company up and tell the person who answers how the company is bleeding you dry. It won't help if you remind your partner's ex how much her kids are costing you, or that they act like little ungrateful brats when they visit.

If there are kids, the decree may end the marriage, but it can't terminate the parties' dealings with each other. The court will rule on the couples' legal issues, but she can't make them grow up and act like adults. The new partner has to deal with what has gone before his arrival, and can't do much to change things. However, he can make things less stressful if he does not enter the fray and lets the ex and kids adjust slowly to the new family dynamic.


Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen