Babies Are A Big Deal

Life starts the same way for everybody, we begin as babies. From the time we are born we start learning and adapting to the world outside the womb.

Some things come inherently encoded in our brain and others must be learned. Babies have some incredible capabilities and some incredibly evil capabilities as well.

Now don't be alarmed, as a parent myself, I know how scary it can be when you find out your baby is a racist, lying, defiant little murderer. Yes, babies are capable of murder.

Don't worry they do not have the physical capacity to murder anyone that can move according to their own volition. However, if you have a left handed child you also have a red handed murder.

For years scientists had a hunch that left handed children were a product of an in womb cage fight to the death. With modern technology and cameras capable of penetrating and surviving the excursion past the uterus, scientists found out that their hunch as right.

Truth is there was probably no tussle at all. Your child is just a bit more genetically advanced than his unfortunate sibling.

He probably just hogged all the blood or grew a bit faster. Babies really don't have the mental capacity to kill a sibling, not until they are toddlers at least.

So you should actually be proud of your child for being the most capable egg in the womb. There, now it's true, your child really is better than others... at least one other.

Don't be worried about your child being a murderer. As it turns out, children do not have the ability to reason, judge or evaluate their decisions until they are almost two years old, all they know are animalistic impulses.

This means babies are often con men. Imagine if someone steals your car, he is called a thief.

If a baby steals your glasses, he is called an adorable baby thief. Babies do not have a sense of ownership, only a sense of entitlement.

To them everything in the world is theirs. So what do you do knowing your baby is a conceited spoiled brat?

Often it is best to just give them whatever they want, so long as it won't hurt them. Babies do not understand ownership; they simply do not have the mental capacity to think other people are as important as they are.

This often results in a baby screaming his lungs out until he gets a freaking pacifier. Luckily for us parents, babies hardly ever want anything of value, plus they are easily manipulated.

If they have your phone, just get some stupid teddy bear and act like it is more interesting than your boring phone. Nine times out of ten this will work; be careful some babies will be aware of your trickery.