Ask The Right Questions And You Will Get The Right Answers!

I'm often surprised at how little couples really know about each other. Sometimes they've been in relationship for years and have even married and had kids and still don't know what is really important to the other or what really gets their engines boiling, positively or negatively. Is this how you are in your relationship?

In times gone by there was an 'art of conversation' which was taught and used as a way of passing time, before radio, television and computers. It's what I love most about watching old movies on love and relationships set in a time before the 20th century. Movies like 'Pride and Prejudice' where the plot was built on conversations, though often around misunderstandings. The tension was raised, often sexually based, until some end was reached. And even though the end may have been a tragedy, the words and the conversations were the only tools used to capture the audience.

It was said by Lady Dorothy Nevill, a woman of some standing in society in the late 1800's that "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." In this regard conversation became something of an amusement over a meal or in the parlors of many folk whatever their social standing.

But it seems our busy lives have influenced our conversations as much as the rest of our way of life. Everything is done quickly, or on the run, and so too are our conversations. So instead of taking the time to really talk to others about issues that may be affecting us, we brush it aside until one day we can't hold on any longer and we explode or we abandon the relationship. The resulting damage that this causes is often irreparable and maybe one of the contributing causes for so many marriage break-ups.

I call these conversations 'post-it conversations' and like post-it notes is often only a snippet of what is really needing to be said.

Sadly there is only one way to remedy this. (And there won't be any surprises here at all!) That is to take the time, whatever time is needed, to have the conversations you need to have, as you need to have them, and for as long as you need to have them, to get to a solution or to a point where the energy, in whatever the issue is, is well and truly dispelled.

How do you do this? It's as simple, and as hard as, stepping away from your own frustrations and wants and taking the time to ask as many questions as you can come up with of the other person, or people, to get as clear an understanding as you possibly can before asking them to do the same for you. And don't be in too much of a hurry to have your say. Just stay with the other till they've said what they need to say - you will get your turn.

This is a strategy I teach my clients who come in for couples therapy. They all say they are amazed that sometimes it seems for the first time they truly feel listened to and heard as they take the time to listen to and hear the other. Try it you might be surprised as well.

So until next time - relate with Love