Frank and I met a href="http://www.mariashriver.coml">Maria Shriver by chance one day in December 2010 as we walked hand in hand along the path in Palisades Park in Santa Monica. A petite, smiling woman with a lovely teenage daughter approached us to tell us what a beautiful couple we were, and asked how long we'd been together. She was warm and open and we struck up a conversation about relationships. It was fun talking to her because she was genuinely curious and asked lively, relevant questions about men and women, love and relationships. At some point it came up that her name was Maria and she had been married for 25 years. That's when we realized who she was.
As she walked a way, I thought:"what a great lady. I love her. I'm so happy she could create a successful relationship."
So, I was really angry and felt girl-bonding empathy for her, when I read in the
Los Angeles Times that her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, had betrayed her and announced it, in a carefully prepared, politically correct statement where he took "full responsibility." Sure. I believe that.
What he did, as you probably know, is sleep with their house-keeper, who was also married at the time, and fathered her child, and for the past 10 years was financially "responsible." That word again.
Being a relationship counselor, it's not that I'm unaccustomed to men or women betraying their partners in love and relationships. I once had a client, who did the same thing, but at least he took precautions and the maid didn't become pregnant. His justification was he believed in harems. He was not Muslim or Mormon. Nor did he tell his wife of this belief; he just acted on it. He too was in a position of power and his maid admired him and was flattered by his attention. Lucky for him, she didn't sue for sexual harassment, which it was. And to his credit, when I told him he must tell his wife, he did, in front of me. The immediate results were not pretty, but amazingly, they worked through it. That was in the early 80's, and they stayed together, as an honest, committed couple, until he passed away last year.
Why do these A-type men feel entitled to betray the women who trust them? Frank and I wrote
Why Powerful Men, Like Tiger Woods, Go Sexually Astray, in December 20, 2009, which explores the underlying biological drives.
But biology doesn't justify a lack of respect for women and for the vows we make. People like that couple I counseled can pick up the pieces, but that wife, understandably, was devastated. Anyone who's been betrayed knows what a broken heart feels like. It's as powerful and can scar as deeply as a shot to the body. And can it heal? Yes. But when and at what cost in time, energy, health, belief? I've worked with men and women who 50 years later are still impacted by cruel betrayals. Crimes of the heart are still violent crimes.
Vows are promises we make to someone. They define what the person can expect from us. Based on those pledges, we feel safe enough to be vulnerable in our most tender spot, our hearts. If a man or woman can't be monogamous, they can find a partner who agrees with their lifestyle and form open or polygamous relationships and keep the agreements they make with each other. Or if someone discovers they can't keep their vows for whatever reason, they should seek couples counseling and try to fix the underlying problems. If they can, they've grown personally and together. If they can't and they need to move on, so be it.
Yes, it's hard and it's risky to be honest. My clients don't want to tell their partners because "they don't want to hurt him or her" (usually her) And underlying it all, they don't want to lose the relationship until they know what they want. What they really don't want is to be responsible for their own drives and behavior and the impact they have on the people who love them.
Mr. Schwarzenegger, if you were my client this is what I'd say to you: taking responsibility for love and for your relationship isn't just saying:"I'm taking responsibility." It's making up for the enormous damage you've done to your partner, your relationship and your children through years of lies and betrayal. It isn't just therapy you need (which you do) and delving into your past, patterns and beliefs. It's learning how to show up, care for another, be honest, have integrity and walk the walk.
I don't know what can do to heal the wounds you caused Maria or if she"ll ever take you back or if she should. You've spent a lot of time and energy envisioning success as a champion weight-lifter, movie star and governor. It seems like you didn't use those same transferrable skills for success in your marriage. But can use them now to figure out how to help Maria heal. Be Maria's friend. Put her and her well-being first. Show her that even if it's over, the love she gave you was not a stupid, wasted investment. Do what's right for her, and start learning what it means to be a trustable, responsible man.
