Are You Suffering In An Unhappy Marriage? Then Don't! There Are Solutions...

Start with trying to answer this question, as honestly as you can: do you take your fair share of responsibility in your marriage (or partnership), and do you always do your best to avoid arguments? The honest answer, for many of us, is probably no. If you answered yes, you are probably deluding yourself! An unhappy marriage, or partnership, is often the outcome of such delusion.

One thing you need to do is stop playing the 'blame' game, and do something about controlling the arguments. If you do it can result in positive change for the better. When it comes to making improvements in your personal relationship you know there are no 'magic-bullets that can come up with 'magical answers'; it takes an open mind - and some action - to bring back the happiness you used to enjoy in your relationship.

To start you moving in the right direction there are two things that should help you focus your mind on making the improvements you seek. These are:

1 - Accepting responsibility for your own actions, and, 2 - How to deal with arguments, and how to use them as an opportunity for positive change. If you can start the process by being frank and honest about your own attitudes to both of these issues, you will find some practical ways that should help to bring your relationship running smoothly again.

Let's start with that old chestnut, 'responsibility'. There are occasions, for many of us, that we transfer all of the blame for our unhappiness onto our partner. What may be going wrong in the relationship may be their fault. But why not turn this thought around. Consider that you could be part of the problem too. If things are not totally rosy for you, it's as much your 'problem' as it is theirs, so take some responsibility and acknowledge this fact.

By taking responsibility you will already be moving forward, and not backward or sideways! Don't put all the onus of responsibility onto your partner. Always do your best to be positive and try to be as fair as possible to your spouse, or partner,. Don't shirk your responsibilities and take time to think your situation through properly. Take some time to analyze what it is you are doing (or not doing!) that might be causing the problem. If you can be honest with yourself, you may put your finger on the issues that matter, and then you can do something about them.

Think of it this way. How many times, when something goes wrong, do you say: "Well, that's not my problem, it's the responsibility of...". Of course you may be right and it really isn't your fault that things are the way they are currently. But, ask yourself, "If I carry on blaming him/her and making him/her take all the responsibility?" does that move me in the direction of 'solving' the problem?"

The answer is almost certainly... probably not! So, don't push all the 'responsibility' onto your spouse or partner. You have to show him, or her, that you're prepared to take your fair share of the blame for things not being as you want them to be.

Stephen Covey, in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, says that responsibility is simply the " ability to choose our response." We don't have to respond to stimuli and triggers the same way we have always done. We do have a choice. To make the progress you clearly want to make, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, it may involve us practicing a real commitment on our part to letting go of 'old patterns of behavior'. So, try something new. Relationships are often much better served if the end result is not to be an argument.

Now, rather than cover the second major issue that causes serious problems in most relationships - the dreaded argument - I will cover this in my next article. There are some very effective 'tools' to stop the arguments from getting out of hand, so you don't end up getting uptight and angry.

For now I will leave you to give serious thought to working on taking your share of the responsibility in your relationship, so you don't have to endure an unhappy marriage for much longer! The ball is now in your court... so be positive and try not to be stubborn! In the meantime take Steven Covey's advice and choose your responses carefully when communicating with your spouse, or partner. All it takes is a little practice to change those old habits that probably aren't doing either of you any good! Until next time... bye for now!