Angry With Your Parents And Feeling Guilty About It?

As adults, we realize and except that we don't and won't see eye-to-eye with our parents and that to argue about it or try to get our aging parents to change their point of view, is pretty much useless. We learn to listen, try to help and not react after you've been told the same thing for the 14th time or when you are told again you didn't do something right.

I had a pretty good relationship with my Dad but he didn't agree with a lot of my life's decisions and he definitely did not like it when I expressed a view that differed from his. As Dad grew older, I learned quickly that expressing my differing options or knowing about decisions I was making in my life was not worth what happened if I told him or he found out. Before you knew it, years had gone by and I had become a Boomer and Dad, elderly, and the conflicts became more frequent, occurred more easily and they still had the power to hurt me to the bone and make him even more 'frustrated' with me. It got to the point that I would just have to say to Dad that we needed to change the subject, try myself to change the subject, just listen and try to let the 'words' just wash over me and away, walk out the door, argue, or just say that I don't agree and that I can't stay any longer. The result of this was ANGER.

I would leave Dad's house so angry at times, almost always exhausted by the visit, often frustrated and many times - just plain hurt to the heart. And when I'd calm down, the guilt would set in.

Caring for your elderly parents isn't easy and most people have more difficulty accepting change and/or changing as they age. As children, we were given a label - the smart one, the athlete, the joker, the sickly one, the good natured one, the quiet one, the trouble maker, the responsible one, the no good one and so forth. We try to leave and out-grow those labels as we grow and become adults and live our lives. As parents, we have difficulty in removing those labels or seeing beyond those labels that we may have unintentially given to our children. We are now faced with our parents still interacting with us, acting on the past labels. This makes relationships difficult in the best of times and even more difficult when we are thrust into being a caregiver for our parents.

Even though I was the major caregiver for my parents, it never seemed I could do anything right. My sister, on the other hand, did not help a great deal and yet was forgiven everything and was 'golden'. By following the below, I learned to enjoy a better relationship with Dad, my sister, myself and life.

How do you deal with the Anger?

1. Know that you are who you are and that you are doing the best you can.

2.Realize that you will not be able to make any changes in how your parent or sibling interacts with you. NONE!

3.Only you can change, control and how you behavior when faced with unpleasantness from your aging parent or siblings. This means doing what you need to do for yourself to stay positive, to not be hurt by criticisms, to let 'things' go, to say 'No' when you need to, to walk away when you need to, to refuse when you need to, to be present physically but not letting what's said or happening intrude into your mind space.

4.Don't bother to argue or be confrontational. Know what you expect and/or want to see happen, what you can and are willing to do and stick to it.
5.Remove the label given you from your own mind and remove the labels that were placed on others and how you react to them.

6.Focus on the real issues, problems and needs. By keeping the focus there, less room is available for unproductive occurrences and more positive things happen.

7.Exercise

8.Eat well, take very good care of your health - mentally and physically, give gratitude every day, find 'alone' time every day, decrease the stress in your life, make time for some fun, laugh at least once daily (this can really be hard to do at times), have a support system - such as close friends, family, co-workers, a support group, pets, others to keep you grounded and realizing you're a great person that is doing the they can in a difficult situation.

9.Let go of the anger and the guilt. Know that you are doing the best you can (because you will try as hard as you can) and no one can ask for more than that. Let others feel guilt because they know they didn't do all that they could.

10.Realize that this is the end of your parent's life and at some point, they will be gone. Create the tools you need to not be angry or feel guilty and make the experience one of giving, celebration of all the good times shared and of a life well lived.

Our parents, regardless of how hurtful their behavior may be to us, are not the enemy. Letting anger and guilt into our lives while we care for them is and it makes everyone miserable and unproductive. Do what you need to do for yourself to minimize the anger and guilt, know that you've done your best, realize and accept that this is a tough situation and it is, what it is and isn't going to change. Accept that this the beginning of the end and you have no real time frame, so make it the most joyful experience you can for yourself, your parents and your siblings. This moment of time will never come again, so don't let old labels, hurtful words and deeds be the focus.