Anger: Finding The Underlying Cause

Ever wonder why people get angry? 

Sure on the surface there are lots of reasons, some which may be completely valid.  When you go beyond the surface however, to the core of why people get mad, it always comes down to the same thing.

People get angry because they're not getting their way.

I know....at first it may not seem like that.  But think about the times you've gotten angry at someone.  It always boils down to someone not doing something you think they should do or not acting in a way you think they should act.  In the case of circumstances it comes down to things not turning out how you want them to.  And when you're mad at yourself it is always because you somehow came up short of your own expectations.

Does it feel a little uncomfortable to think that not getting your way is the root cause of your anger?  It sure made me feel uncomfortable at first.  I really wanted to blame someone or something for my emotional state.  But then I realized that by taking ownership of my anger, it actually put me in a place of power.  You see....If my anger is about someone or something doing something to me then I'm powerless to do anything about it.  But if it's about ME not getting my way then I have the power to affect change.

So ok, you're angry and you acknowledge that it's because you're not getting your way about something.  What can you do about it?

First allow yourself to feel the emotion fully.  Allow yourself to be really mad.  Say you're really mad.  If you need to do something physical then do something safe and non-destructive.  When you allow yourself to feel the intensity of an emotion it usually peaks then wanes over a few minutes.  Then you can decide how you want to proceed.

Note - When you're feeling an intense emotion there are no words.  You are not yelling or accusing or telling a story about how you're right and the other person is wrong.  It is a very physical and base experience.

After the intensity of emotion fades, your logical mind can take over and you can decide what's next.  Since you know that the base reason you're angry is that you didn't get your way, you can start to think about exactly what isn't going your way and what you'd like to see happen instead.  Then you can go a step further and decide if it's something to insist on, compromise about, or let go.