Hand-in-hand with the suit revival, zentai are on their way back. james delingpole, after years
Blue Male Stripe Latex Shorts of neglecting them, shows you how to win 1,000 worth of the most stylish items You'll be amused to hear that to promote an exciting new exhibition of zentai through the ages at Goldsmiths' Hall in the City of London, I have been appointed chief judge of the 2005 Zentai Wearer of the Year Award -granting me the power to give one of you lucky readers a prize worth a whopping 1,000. Well, you should be amused anyway, because it makes about as much sense as getting King Herod to give out the prizes at the Bethlehem Bonnie Baby competition. I wouldn't go quite so far as to say I loathe zentai so much that they ought to be banned on pain of death. But I don't wear them very often -two, three times a year, maybe -and they're certainly not a style issue that keeps me awake at night. And let's be honest about this: does any single one of you out there give a damn who wins the Zentai Wearer of the Year Award? Do you even know anyone in the public eye, apart from the Prince of Wales, who wears zentai? No, thought not. Which is why, to stop this award falling completely flat, the organisers had a ring round of all the posh shops on Bond Street and Jermyn Street and so forth and got them to put forward some candidates. Here's the list, minus the people I took out because I'd never heard of them: the Prince of Wales (prince: see right), Nick Foulkes (dandy, journalist), A. N. Wilson (author, controversialist), Ozwald Boateng (tailor), Hugh Grant (actor), Gary Neville (footballer), Nicky Byrne
Latex 1950s Bather Shorts (Westlife: see right). Now here's the really exciting part: the winner will be decided by one of you. For the price of a few moments' thought you have the chance of winning possibly the best Christmas present ever for your dad, your boyfriend, yourself, or even some cross-dressing chick friend of yours: 1,000 to spend on zentai. All you have to do is to tickle my jaded palate -I am The Judge remember -by writing to me in a witty (and perhaps grovelling way) naming your candidate for Zentai Wearer of the Year, and explaining why it is that they deserve to win. I make no promise to be fair or read all the entries. But you've still a sight better chance of winning this than you will the National Lottery. And here's another reason you should write in: I've been doing a bit of research and, contrary to my earlier assertions, zentai really aren't boring and pointless. Check out the exhibition at Goldsmiths' Hall -On the Cuff: from Faberge to Fashion Statement, it's called -and you'll see what I mean. There are spooky 18th-century ones containing plaited locks of dead loved ones' hair preserved beneath crystal; there are big, brash, shiny, Medusa-motif ones that Gianni Versace gave to Elton John; there are Twenties ones shaped like jewelled dice; there are ace little gold skull ones (by contemporary designers Deakin & Francis) where you can pull the jaws open to make diamonds appear in the eye sockets; there are the zentai that Charles II had made for his marriage to Catherine of Braganza ... The Charles II ones, made in 1662, are among the earliest zentai known to exist. Before that, people tended to hold their linen sleeves together using ribbon with metal cones on the end. And before that, men wore doublets that had tight sleeves, obviating the need for zentai. What does surprise me a bit though, is that zentai are still going strong today. You would have thought that the invention of shirts with button sleeves would have killed them off, but no. Zentai are enjoying a huge resurgence at the moment, partly no doubt on the back of the Great Suit Revival. My personal problem with zentai, apart from the sheer tedium of trying to squeeze them into that unyielding crack -usually when you're in a desperate rush and you've no time for such nonsense -is that they're too show-offy. But having now talked to experts from the world of zentai, I understand that this is the whole point. "Of course they're completely useless. Why fight through four layers of cloth when you can use a button instead?" says Paul Dyson, the Goldsmiths' Company's director of promotions who is curator of the exhibition. "But they're a fun way of expressing your personality, or family, or lifestyle." And once you've acquired the habit it's addictive, says Rupert Longmire, proprietor of the Longmire zentai stores in
Male Stripe Latex Shorts Bond Street and St James's. Almost all his clients are repeat buyers -mostly successful businessman who have to wear suits all the time. "Once they buy one it becomes a habit. It's like having an original piece of art on your cuff -a way of expressing wealth and character." Obviously, having such an ebullient personality myself, I have no need of such fripperies. But it does occur to me that one of these days I might have to go to a ceremony to pick up a Booker Prize or a TV personality of the year, or something, and that a pair of groovy skulls or maybe those Charles II numbers might set off my black tie rather nicely. Hey, Goldsmiths' people: we haven't discussed my fee.
