5 Ways People Can Be Emotionally Unavailable

One thing all emotionally unavailable people have in common is their compulsive avoidance of intimacy while they constantly searching for an intimate relationship. Although some emotionally unavailable people can be very clear and honest about their intentions and their history, a lot of them are not. Pretty much all of them will give you mixed signals and confusing messages.

Eggs in many baskets type is so terrified of being in love and loosing personal power, he chooses to be in several non-committal relationships at the same time. These people literally view the idea of a monogamous relationship as putting all their eggs in one basket. They often seem to have no problems with their lifestyles justifying their behavior by saying "Well you can't have it all in one person" and they don't really get involved with anyone. They introduce their partners as friends as they don't like using the word girlfriend. They swear they are not the marrying kind, although they typically do get married at least once in their lifetime. Many times the "eggs in many baskets" type will actually terminate the relationship if they feel like they are falling for the person. This compulsive behavior is usually a result of a severe heartbreak and it is more typical for men than women.

Involved with another type is someone who is either physically or emotionally involved with someone who doesn't meet all their needs. As a result they become involved with another to compensate for what they're missing. This type of behavior is typical for both men and women. An involved with another type doesn't see herself as being emotionally unavailable as she strongly believes that if the man she is in love with only loved her back and given her everything she needed, she wouldn't be going around looking for love elsewhere.

The lurker type. A lurker will tell you that he loves dating and meeting new people and actually mean it. This person is driven by the fear of letting their soul mate slip by and is always on the lookout for that special someone, while never settling for anyone in particular. Ironically, lurkers don't have a slightest clue of what they're looking for, but they will consider any candidate that comes into the picture, never ending that search for something that doesn't exist. Sadly, many times these people will actually lose the love of their lives and realize it when it's too late.

Serial monogamist is similar to the lurker in a way that he/she too searches for the ideal person as opposed to a real person. Unlike lurkers, serial monogamists don't like dating, most of them rush into a relationship after the first week or two into their dating period, then stay in it exclusively until the romantic "honey moon" stage is over. In their relationships serial monogamists are more interested in how you make them feel rather than you. When these people are looking for a relationship, they look for someone who falls for them rather than someone they are falling for as being adored by another is what turns them on and makes them feel secure. For them, the idea of intimacy is the intense rush of hormones, romance and strong sexual chemistry. For a short while they are blinded by hormones and seriously believe that you are the only one for them. They will promise you the world, they will tell you they love you with all their hearts and then leave you heartlessly when the hormonal rush wares off only a few months later. These people are simply incapable of dealing with the reality of a relationship, in many cases they don't even know the person they get into a relationship with.

Avoidant is the most widespread emotionally unavailable type that sometimes can be hard to pinpoint as there are so many different types of avoidants. An avoidant may get into a relationship and stay there for many years, or stay away from all personal relationships and dating altogether for long periods of time. They may avoid all sexual contacts for months or even years, then go on a binge of one night stands. Avoidants are typically introverted and in some extreme cases can become antisocial. They are typically very honest and rarely cheat or play, yet it is not uncommon for an avoidant to live a secret live no one knows about. These people can be very damaging to themselves and the ones they get close with. They avoid intimacy by building walls around themselves and energetically pushing people away whenever they get too uncomfortable in a relationship. They avoid conflicts and confrontations at all possible costs, ignoring the obvious problems and red flags. Sometimes when confronted they can even become aggressive and violent, though most avoidants are passive-aggressive. They often use drugs, alcohol, pornography, videogames, TV and many other addictions to keep themselves cut out of the reality of their own lives and lives of those they get involved with.

Nobody really falls into a stereotype one hundred percent, and, of course, there is a degree of emotional unavailability. Typically people become emotionally unavailable because of a heartbreak they had to survive in their past. The good news is that every EU person can recover from their destructive relationship patterns if he or she is willing to do so. But that can only happen if they do it on their own.


Copyright (c) 2009 Katherine Bouglai