5 Rules To Fair Fighting

Communicating we can get so confused in the face of conflict that the can forget why we came together. These rules I have composed from the years of counseling experience I have had.

1.Only argue about one thing at a time.
Efficiency experts have know for some time it is more productive to do one thing at a time. Besides changing the subject is often times a way to avoid it.

2.Do not bring up irrelevant things from the past.
A man who was telling his friend about an argument he'd had with his wife commented, "Oh, how I hate it, every time we have an argument; she gets historical." The friend replied, "You mean hysterical." "No," he insisted. "I mean historical. Every time we argue she drags up everything from the past and holds it against me!"

Subjects from the past are only relevant when the same behavior continues to be a problem today. Then and only then is the past relevant to talk about.

3.You may disagree about each others opinions but you may not attack each others self esteem. I once counseled and married a couple, teaching the five rules of fair fighting. About three months into their marriage they scheduled another counseling session. The wife accused her husband of calling her a pig. He flatly denied that saying, I do not call her a pig I only say she has gained so much weight that she looks like a pig.

Name calling is not the only way to attack one's self esteem. In fact the one being attack has the right to judge whether or not their self esteem is being attacked.

4.Do not assume. For communication to be effective in marriage, in business or in your church, in your personal relationships, it must be very simple and very clear. If you assume meanings or information that has not been communicated and confirmed you are often wrong.

5.Do not hold the marriage hostage. I heard about the couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. When the festivities were over, the woman turned to her husband and said, "We've been miserable for 50 years. We've fought every day. We've disagreed on nearly everything, and I am convinced that we can't keep going like this. I have made a commitment to pray that God will help us solve this problem. I'm praying that he will take one of us home. And when he answers my prayer, I'm going to live with my sister in Grand Rapids." This is a humorous reflection of a hostage holding situation.

Once having committed to marriage one gives up the right to offer ultimatums. At least that is what I read from the following scripture. Jesus said: (Matthew 19:6 NRSV) So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." The only exceptions I might suggest beyond the above five rules are exception for infidelity, abuse or addiction, if you are demanding that certain things change, or the marriage is over that is holding the marriage hostage.

This fifth rule serves as a red flag to stop. If you are holding the marriage hostage you have already broken many of the other rules.