How To Have A Strong Marriage Despite A Challenging Career

It is no secret that distress in marriage is often a result of one or both partners having a demanding career. We never see each other, Its always work, work, work! and Hes never home, or Shes never home, are some of the well-known opening complaints regarding relationships when couples seek help. One thing is for sure - there is nothing as fulfilling as a close, healthy, and thriving marriage, but, it is also one of the most painful experiences if a marriage develops problems. It is estimated that 67% of first marriages end in divorce with half occurring in the first seven years of marriage. There are many factors contributing to the demise of a relationship such as substance abuse, health problems, extramarital affairs and child rearing. One of the main culprits cited by couples seeking help is work one, or both, of the partners work too long hours, is too busy, is too distracted, or is hardly ever home. Does that mean that the marriages of all busy professionals are doomed to failure? Absolutely not! But, if a couple does not consistently take the right steps then any relationship can begin to suffer.

SIGNS OF DISTRESS
Signs that ones marital relationship is beginning to suffer are numerous and differ from couple to couple (you need not be legally married to have marital distress any serious, long-term, and committed relationship can experience major distress). There are a few universal signs of distress that should serve as warning signals:

Disconnectedness from one another;
Poor or no communication;
Withdrawal from one another;
Frequent arguments with no solution;
Criticism;
Loss of intimacy, romance and sex.

It is a fact of life that at one point or another one or both people in a marriage will have to hunker down and work long hours in order to cement a career path or to ensure financial security for the family. And there is nothing wrong with working hard and becoming successful as a professional. It is also equally true that if a couple knows how to deal with this situation, the relationship can survive and thrive regardless of demanding careers.

The hundreds of couples that I counseled over the years all had one pressing question Is there a magical solution to our problems? My answer YES! There is indeed one thing partners in a relationship can do to ensure that their relationship stays rock solid regardless of demands such as a growing family or demanding career. The solution lies in the very reason people became a couple, fell in love, and formed a bond in the first place. Most people start a relationship because they are attracted to one another and then become friends. It is the powerful force of friendship that draws a couple together. Friendship is also the first major component of a relationship that gets lost in a busy life. Restoring it can re-fuel any marriage with love, passion, and compassion.

The Webster Dictionary defines friendship as a relationship where one is attached to another by affection. It elaborates by explaining that a friend is a favored companion. It is this kind of friendly affection that brings two people together. A special connection develops and soon theres a bond, then romance, lots of passion, followed by a big ol ring and the relationship becomes permanent. When things get hectic and busy in later years because of increasing demands such as demanding careers, raising a family, or running a home, this bond is often the first to suffer. And if friendship suffers, so does romance and passion, and soon the relationship is stale, stagnant, and in distress.

If friendship is the magic potion to safeguard a relationship against stagnation and distress, what exactly must a couple do to maintain and sustain their friendship? There are three things a couple should do to safeguard their relationship against possible harm:



1.Spend time together
People become friends by sharing time with one another. A couple must have periods where they are actively engaged in just one another, where it is about them and not a discussion about the business of their life. Doing simple things together such as having a regular time to drink coffee or tea for a few minutes can do wonders for a relationship. Running a home together, talking about the PG&E bill, or the childrens T-ball practice is not spending time together. It has to be a few minutes or an hour where the couple can focus on each other.

2.Do things together
Rediscover what your partner likes and arrange to do it. The opera is in town and your partner loves it - buy tickets; a walk on the beach is the ultimate pleasure for the other - plan for a one day break and go. When a couple does things together they naturally begin to talk with one another and grow closer (remember, this is what took place in the beginning of the relationship and you could not get enough of it!) Take a walk in the park together, go bike riding together, go out for the afternoon, the evening, or the whole the day; just begin to do things together again.

3.Have fun together
Do something that both of you enjoy. Its while having fun together that a couple laughs again. And if you have fun with someone, you naturally want to spend more time with that person. Laugh with someone and soon the special bond of friendship begins to blossom. A while ago my wife and I attended a concert at a theater in our town that also serves dinner. The artist sang songs from way back when, even songs our parents grew up with. The audience was fantastic, the music nostalgic, and it turned out to be the most fun we had together in a long time. We forgot about work, children, and business responsibilities and just had fun together.

Doing the above three things will draw a couple closer, making them more intimate and closer. They begin to enjoy each other again, touch one another, and talk to each other, in short, they become companions. The closeness and intimacy sets the table for romance and passion to blossom it will flow naturally out of the closeness and intimacy that comes from sharing time together and having fun with each other. Doing this can make the magic of friendship last a lifetime.

PLANNING
To do these three things in a busy life and career is difficult, but not impossible. A simple key will ensure it takes place planning. Busy professionals often succeed because they can plan meticulously; they make time for important tasks in their lives and therefore succeed. Spending time together and doing something enjoyable together as a couple does not happen by itself. Waiting for time to become available to do things together is simply not going to happen. A couple needs to plan together to do something enjoyable on a regular basis. Planning means schedule it; make time write it in your planner, type it into your Blackberry or iPhone, but PLAN for it. It works so well because to plan, you have to think about one another, think about the relationship, think about spending time together, and this makes the relationship a focus in your life. And what you focus on is what you are going to succeed in.