So I'm getting past that mid life crisis age. I am a woman and I'm almost 55 years old. I'm not sure how I got so old but sure enough the lines and creases on my face remind me that I have passed my prime, and things will only get saggier from here on in. I could dwell on the outside bits, have a good moan and pine for my youth, but, alas, I am getting to the age where
one starts to question more interesting things like the what is the meaning of life or whether my life has been a meaningful one. The outside is now less of a focus and the insides start getting looked at, not just by my GP but by me. I know my friends are tired of me talking about it after a few wines, I don't blame them - it can be depressing, but after all those years of child rearing and school runs, what's left for this soul?
See it starts to get weird when you really think about it. I've ticked every milestone in life, the kids are sorted and on their own journeys. My ex husband and I have come through our divorce well, it's an amicable relationship. I've paid off the home loan and have my own little castle. So what's left for the next 30-40 years when all that's covered?
I don't mind my job, I'm a school teacher after all, and that's meaningful right? I know humans are experts at keeping things under wraps, I know why people lie because the sad truth is that I'm not
Mother Theresa. If the government wasn't paying me enough I'd be the first out the door and working full time on that vege patch in my back garden. So I suppose that's the way I've really started to think about my meaning in life, starting with where I get my souls food or zest for life. But apart from the occasional phone calls from my daughter and son what's left that's meaningful for this ageing grey girl? Once upon a time all I cared about was getting noticed and looked at by men, but that's pretty well done now, now it feels like it's all about signing up for funeral plans and getting your name on the waiting list for the right retirement village. Boring, boring old souls left out on a perch.
Sometimes I just have to stop thinking. I know people tell you to smell the roses, I understand that every moment is precious blah blah-but what in the hell am I going to do for these last years? It feels like everything in society focuses on the beauty of youth, and buying the latest coffee machine. Everything in life is designed to distract you from questioning why humans aren't ideal and why our souls are both good and evil. After all these years of attending mass on Sunday, what is my soul really like? How much of me is good and evil? I used to think that I was being good by loving and nurturing my children, but was that really for my own good? It feels like now that life is moving on, I'm being left behind by society because I can no longer follow the game's rules. I'm too old to keep up and the rules are harder to follow and play. Inevitably I guess most people give up and sit on the sidelines, reminiscing about old times.
In the end it seems that humans, me, find it too hard to really look at ourselves, particularly when you're still allowed to play the game and it looks like you can win. I look forward to the day when all is revealed and we all can feel true meaning at every age and stage in our lives.
